We’re having a big party in a few weeks with friends and family in America during one of our annual visits. For the past 12 months, I’ve been obsessing over the details which are a challenge given that I live roughly 10,500 miles away (16,900 km). This week I finalized one of the hardest parts, the seating chart, and decided to make life interesting.
If you’ve ever had the pleasure of putting together an event seating chart, you’ll know that it’s not a fun task.
You’re juggling colleagues, friends, family, and kids and trying to put them with the people who they know and love so they can have a good time. G-d forbid they should sit with someone they’re not related to, work with and haven’t known forever.
What would happen?
Chaos?
Chairs being thrown to the floor as people stomp out the door screaming:
“Next time freaking seat me with people I know!”
I tried to stay within the lines. I did. Then I took a step back and looked at my masterful design.
It worked. Everyone could comfortably stay in their own solar system.
We all love that right?
Trump enthusiasts can’t talk to Clinton supporters.
People who blame the parents for the gorilla who was shot can’t even look at the people who think that the parents are not to blame.
I believe THIS and love people who believe it too.
Anyone who doesn’t believe what I believe is not only wrong but also a moron.
… but how interesting is that?
Imagine:
I love the color blue!
Oh my gosh! I love blue too!
Did you see when blue looks aqua in just the right light?
Totally and when it looks like the darkest ocean depths – amazing.
Right?
Right!
Worse:
I love the color blue!
Oh my gosh! You do? I’m an orange fan.
Orange?
*chirp, chirp* (<< crickets)
Can you please pass the salt?
Oy! Talk about boring. Raise your hand if you want to be seated at either one of those tables. Any takers? What happened to being able to engage and co-exist? (Anyone remember James Carville and Mary Matalin?)
What happened to leading with curiosity instead of righteousness? We all like to run in our circles, but something happens when circles collide- we discover that we’re living more of a Venn diagram and not so alone in the universe.
Ready for the big how-to secret of how to make life interesting again?
Intentionally mush things (and people) up. There ya go.
If you aren’t familiar with a Venn diagram, it’s a way to map two different concepts (or sets of beliefs) and find where they overlap and have something in common.
When I stay on my side, and you on yours, it gets kinda stale; predictable. On top of it – we miss out on finding those points of connection.
I decided to do something crazy to my seating chart and put people together who don’t know each other. I wanted to give people a chance to discover their living Venn. No, I didn’t go crazy and seat my parents with my husband’s cousin’s young children but did create pockets of opportunity for new relationships to form.
What about you?
On Facebook does every one of your friends reflect your viewpoints?
At family dinner, are there topics that are off limits because people will start to defend so loudly nothing could be heard or understood above the cacophony?
How do we break up our circles of sameness? There is no master seating chart that someone’s manipulating behind the scenes.
I often see the advice listen more, talk less as a way to build relationships but hard to do – especially when your blood is boiling.
Let’s replace listen more, talk less with the following four words:
Be curious, remain open.
Don’t sweat it if you’re worried that means remaining open to being converted, it doesn’t. It’s openness to understanding that transforms who we are and our relationships. As long as the curiosity and openness have respect leading the charge, we’re good.
Here’s the thing – to be curious and remain open that means that you need to put yourself in situations where there’s difference. Constantly confirming mutual brilliance becomes conforming acceptance. The world becomes black and white and the only color is put in after the fact. Boooorrrrinnnngg.
We all want to live a life of meaning, to be known. On the flip side, nobody wants others to go running in the opposite direction when they discover how we really feel and what we truly believe.
Open mind, my friends, open mind.
Not everyone you meet will be your BFF, but you can still be curious about what makes them tick. I’ve recently been shocked that some people I adore support a candidate different from my choice for President of the United States. Does it make me hate them, ignore them or freeze them out? No – it makes me curious.
If you’re coming to our party next month, get ready to mash-up out of your comfort zone. If you’re not coming, I’ll let you know how my seating experiment goes.
When was the last time you sat down to talk with people and took the time to discover who they are and not only who they appear to be?
Hi, Alli! I love this! Remaining open and curious is the way to enjoy a party. I get it that people like to be in their comfort zones but when you “meet” someone new, all your stories are new again and you can explore their stories as if from the dark shining a floodlight on them.
Your article reminded me of something my mother used to say, though it may not apply here as you are talking about seating at a dinner table. She said the secret to a good party is not having enough seats. 🙂
Try something new, yes, and see what happens. At the least it will be a new experience, right?
Lori
Love your mom’s saying, Lori. Keeps us mixing and meeting!
I love the people who I know, but know that there are many other’s I’d love.
It’s been sad to see how quick people are to attack each other these days and label others (or just call them terrible names). Nobody is that one dimensional that it’s impossible to find common ground. What makes it impossible is when we shut the door!
Here’s to trying something new and meeting new people along the way!!
Grateful for your comment! 🙂
Best,
Alli
Hey Alli,
I love this concept. After reading “A Curious Mind: The Secret to a Bigger Life” by Brian Grazer, I have been experimenting with his idea of curiosity conversations. What fun to learn about people!
On the plane to Boston last week, I sat next to a retired couple that chose to take up wildlife photography as their retirement act. Fascinating conversation about how they got into it, where they have been to shoot, what animals they have captured, etc. But more than that, I enjoyed watching them light up as they shared enthusiastically answers to my questions. I could not help but appreciate the warmth that came into my heart as I shared my time with these two wonderful people.
Based on my experiences, I highly recommend curiosity conversations for adding spice to life and mashing out of comfort zone. With the right attitude, it can be an adventure.
Terri
Terri –
You’re the one who planted the seed with me! I hope that people who I’ve mixed up and matched up approach the opportunity like you did on the plane. It’s really fascinating meeting new people, and not being in sales mode but fully in curiosity mode.
Also, the book by Brian Grazer is definitely on my list!
Thanks for sharing your experience!
~ Alli
Well that seating should be interesting!
I love your post, especially the way you challenge us to open and expand our minds! For those of us, including myself, who genuinely are interested in people and what makes them tick, your “experiment” will be a snap. I wonder for those people who are more introverted if they can find ways to stay energized when speaking with others who are way different from themselves. I know many introverts that barely can stay in a conversation if they have little in common with someone else. It can even be painful. But I think you are on to something in making us aware of the need to not stick only with “sameness”.
Thanks Alli and will share today!
I hope that the introverts in the group will find it easier that they’re in small groups at the tables… and not working the room – that definitely intimidates! I don’t enjoy having conversations with people I have little in common with either but it’s boring to live in an echo chamber of sameness too.
Great points! Thanks, Terri!
~ Alli
I was in an interesting exercise a few years back where we paired up with people we didn’t know and had 5 minutes to find something in common with them and carry on a conversation. After 5 minutes, we changed partners and started the entire process over again. It is amazing what 2 strangers can find in common if both are curious and interested in learning something new!
Great article, Alli!
Love that exercise, LaRae! I’ve done something similar and even when we thought it would be impossible – there it was! The moment of connection.
Thanks, LaRae!
Alli
“Be curious, remain open!” Great phrase to use as my mission… Curiosity is so fundamental to our growth mindset! And, by the way, what’s wrong with our being open, leading maybe to being converted??? It’s not cause and effect: If I’m open to others and their thoughts, then I’m going to covert to believing those thoughts for sure. That’s not being open, that’s some sort of hero worship.
Far too many people ‘know’ what’s the right thinking / right approach / … I am pretty sure they never gathered information on all the options, organized it, understood it, and chose their beliefs / actions based upon assessing all options in terms of their criteria / values. They are mesmerized by the leading proponent, want to be in the majority, get caught being asked and choose arbitrarily, are afraid to offend, … Note I’m not saying all or even most do this; there are just too many that do it. And by the way, have I done this? I try not to but I’m sure I have – sadly, at least for a while…
“Be curious, be open!!!” Yes….
I hear ya on the conversion think. I know more than a few people who are so worried about the hard sell that they shut themselves off from hearing anyone on the other side of the fence from them. If you’re swayed, great. If you’re not, great. The point is to seek out people and opinions to increase understanding – not gather intel to prove just how right you are.
I think you hit on a bunch of important points here and what bubbles to the top for me are all the many reasons that people are stuck on being right instead of being curious. Not wanting to offend, to be the cool kid, to stand with the majority, to stand with their friends… Curiosity and openness feel like a breath of fresh air from that kind of pressure.
Grateful for your insights here!
~ Alli
Alli,
We are missing a sense of curiosity, closing ourselves to what may be possible. Time to seek diversity and discover!
Jon
That’s it! Without curiosity, we miss out on possibility. That’s the heart of it.
Thanks, Jon!
I’ll love the fact that you’re giving people an opportunity to find a human Venn. A few years ago I did a workshop with Seth Godin. The night before he offered a “match-making” dinner…. we each completed a fairly robust survey about what we were up to. Then his staff matched us according to one thing we all had in common and our goal at dinner was to figure out what it was.
On the surface, we were so different. It was a really fun exercise.
Hi, Ali
We, human beings, have a tendency to stay in the comfort zone. Remaining open and curious is the way to enjoy a party as well as life.
Your article reminded me about a book that I read more than 10 years ago with the title ” Across the Room” (sorry, I can’t remember the name of author). Each of us needs to consciously make the connections to strangers in order to discover, to learn, and to enjoy the life that offer to us.
Thanks for the article
Stella Chiu