What do you want? To move? Get a promotion? Find a partner or ditch your current one? Now, more than ever, thanks to Social Media, we live in a world where the grass is always greener, and we have absolute proof: Zillions of pictures, tweets and humble brags confirming that our lives could (and should) be better. As a result, we want what they have.
We see it on Facebook: Big houses, perfect children, amazing vacations.
On Instagram, we’re pressing the little heart to show our love for aspirational lifestyles.
It’s hard to be satisfied with what you’ve got – especially when it’s less than perfect. When we look at our lives, it’s kind of like we see it through one of those fun filters we can use on our iPhone. We zoom in on what we want to see and all the other stuff is blurry and in the background.
What Happens When the Stuff We’re Blurring out Is the Good Stuff?
Zooming in on the crap doesn’t mean the good isn’t present, it’s just that we refuse to see it. We hold onto our zoomed in version of our lives and tell everyone, “See? I need to get out of here. I need something more. This is awful. Right?”
We’ve become expert at using the zoom from every angle. Instead of taking off the filter and recognizing that perfection is an illusion, we leap from want to want and need to need and change to change and are never satisfied. We still focus in on the bad and let the good fade into the background.
So you leap again.
This crazy thing happens when you stop wanting and longing and make the changes to get what your heart now desires… You still want something, just something else, something new.
WANT >> CHANGE >> SETTLE IN >> WANT
Instead of always craving immediate change and living in a constant state of low-level dissatisfaction, the key is to get used to wanting. The wanting will always be present but it doesn’t mean that you need it.
My son will often tell me “I NEED” this or that. Maybe it’s time on a favorite game or to see a show that we’re trying to savor instead of binge watching. Despite how frustrated it makes him when I say it, I remind him that NEED and WANT are not the same things. Moreover, once you have it, you want something else – that’s the way it works.
Isn’t it Time to Change the Conversation about Wanting?
Our children want something, and we want to give it to them. We teach them from a young age that you can have what you want, but we never stop to reflect with them on how little acquisition, scratching the itch of that want, is little more than a dopamine hit.
Not every want and not every change is created equal.
Did it change your life?
Are you happier?
All of those things that annoyed you before, are they gone now or have new things crept in to take their place?
You may have all you need, but you want something more… and then you get it, and you still have wants. That’s part of being human.
The Secret to Happiness
Instead of constant want, grow your ability to acknowledge the good that’s present now. Yes, sure, it may not be ideal, but there are still things that are worth appreciating.
The secret to a happy life is not to wait for it to be happy. You get to choose, happiness now instead of when all the pieces fall into place, or you sell your book, or you move to a new town.
You may discover that some of what you want really isn’t want you need when you take off that filter and see all that’s here for you now.
Are you running towards something or away? Are you putting off happiness for a zoomed in, Valencia, Juno, Lark filtered world that holds little resemblance to reality?
Immediately I was reminded of a quote by Mr. Spock from the original Star Trek series (1966-1969) — “After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.”
Absolutely love that quote, John. Rings true. Thanks so much for sharing it here!
Alli
Hi Alli,
So the grass isn’t always greener! What a refreshing view you have encouraged here. When we increase our awareness of what we have and take time to savor, we discover a happiness that we could not otherwise know.
I am smiling at how you have taken an age-old topic and made it alive with new energy and thought.
Best,
Kate
So grateful for your support and insights, Kate. Thank you!
Alli
My favorite wise saying about this human condition, which you write so eloquently about, was seen on a church billboard.
“Want to get rich quick? Count your blessings.”
Thanks for the reminder. I feel richer for the reading.
-Blair
That’s a billboard that has the TRUTH!
Many thanks, Blair!
Alli
This is such an important topic, Alli. It’s hard not to want everything we see and I’m a victim of this mentality as much as anyone else. What helps me is to discipline myself everyday to look around and find gratitude for what I DO have. It’s a simple exercise yet takes the focus away from what I don’t have or what others do have…it’s being present with the gifts that God has given me. Today.
LaRae – It really does take discipline to look around and find gratitude for the good or even recognize its existence. As humans we’re often so focused on the dark side we miss the light.
Thanks, LaRae!
Alli
“If the grass is greener, maybe you need to water yours more.” Saw that the other day and it seems to fit here. And this, “be careful what you ask for, you may get it.” Then what? I think it may not be that we want but rather what we want. If want =’s your heart’s deepest desire and not merely for more of this or that, then wanting more peace, justice, kindness and compassion in the world is fine with me. I’d like to shift the conversation toward a collective desire for change. Thanks for making me think again,
Wanting is so often about the acquisition of things instead of experiences. However, when I hear “I want to be happy… but I can’t…” it’s usually because there are two things 1) blinders shutting out what’s good here 2) rose-colored glasses looking at what could be.
Love your proposed shift in the conversation. Collective desire for change. That’s definitely something to ponder what it would look like and be like and figure out how I can take part.
Alli
I love your post and I can relate in so many ways. First I kept laughing about the social media piece because on one level we know it is not an entire picture of others but a snippet and yet we choose to believe what we see as someone’s life. And second I find that anchoring myself to the good in my life and avoiding comparing is so helpful. Who cares what others have. Be grateful for all you have.
Thanks Alli and will share your words of wisdom!
We do get so caught up in the images that people carefully curate to show us their awesome lives. We forget that we’re often playing the same game. I for one am tired of it and even beyond not comparing, I’ve stopped looking. It’s too easy to get sucked into the smoke and mirrors instead of embracing our lives and living to the fullest.
Thanks for sharing your insights here, Terri!
Alli