Summertime, as marked by kids out of school and lazing the days away, ends in Australia this week. It’s back to school in a couple of days, which means I’m back to my routine too. To mark the end of the season, our family went to the beach for a couple of weeks. Honestly, it’s one of our favorite places on the planet.
For the last seven years, we’ve gone to the same region for a beach break over the school holidays. We’ve even locked in on a house that we book twelve months in advance to ensure we can return on the dates we want. We know the restaurants, tourist sites, and beaches and have treasured places that we can’t wait to visit year after year.
This time, I grumped along for a good part of the beginning of the holiday and wondered why. Finally, it hit me – we were trying to repeat the past.
It started on our second night when we went to our favorite restaurant on the beach, and the service was spotty and food both expensive and mediocre.
Then it happened almost everywhere we went. Shops, restaurants, and locations that were unbelievable in the past no longer matched our memories.
Do you know what else didn’t match memories? Our kids. We started going there when they were in primary school. Now in high school, they’d rather Snapchat and watch Twitch than explore with Mom and Dad. I think that’s the most significant change I wasn’t ready to have smash me in the face. Our children are edging towards adulthood rapidly, and we, the parents, are no longer the only ones in charge of the show.
What Happens When You Try to Repeat the Past?
It’s funny, an old friend of mine posted a picture of her and her husband holding their teenage daughters as they did in a photo from a decade before. In the original photo, they are holding their young children on their hips. In the recent one, it’s comical as four people virtually the same size cling on to each other just long enough to get the snap. It was the perfect reminder that despite reenactments, you can’t turn back time.
I admit part of me was sad it wasn’t the same this summer at the beach. Then I remembered I’m not the same either. Between this year and last, I had countless experiences that changed who I am in ways both colossal and minuscule and the entire range in between. Each of those shifts has also changed the way I see and experience the world.
It’s also true for you in both life and work.
There are perils when we try to repeat the past.
Trusty formulas stop having the same impact.
Loss of creativity.
Minimal drive.
Phone it in.
Disappointment.
Frustration.
You know how to get out of the rut of putting all of your eggs in a basket from the past? It’s not luck or chance. Change takes intention, followed by action.
When something’s working, of course, you want to repeat the past. It was great! Spectacular even. Alternatively, maybe what you crave is a do-over. The problem is that it’s not the same. Nothing is exactly as it once was. Instead of lamenting and wishing and holding on with desperation, celebrate. Knowledge brings freedom and acceptance too.
Break Free from Romanticizing the Perfection the Past
Recently, my favorite coffee stopped tasting as lovely. It didn’t give me the start to my day that it once did, and I didn’t enjoy it as much. I could have stuck with it, assumed I had a bad batch, or tried something new. It doesn’t mean then old is over and done either. What I discovered was that mixing it up brought a freshness to my old tried and true and an appreciation for the new.
Here’s a challenge for you – take a look at your go-tos. Maybe it’s where you go, who you’re with, or perhaps it’s how you engage. Now pick something to shift. It doesn’t have to be painful or huge.
During our beach holiday, as a family and individuals, we started to shake off the handcuffs of the past.
“Let’s find somewhere new.”
“How about we head to the area but walk around to see what catches our eye?”
“I love that too, but let’s skip it this year.”
“You don’t want to come? Ok. We’ll be back later.”
Where do you need to release the hold of the past in your life and work? What’s making you miserable because it’s not the same as it ever was?
I’m reminded of the song “Once in a Lifetime” by the Talking Heads. David Byrne is quoted as saying:
“We operate half-awake or on autopilot and end up, whatever, with a house and family and job and everything else, and we haven’t really stopped to ask ourselves, ‘How did I get here?’’
By trying to repeat the past, it is living on autopilot. It’s returning again and again, to what you know, instead of embracing and creating what can be.
Glad to see you back or perhaps I should say glad to see you forward. Yes, we’re always going ahead with this one caveat from George Santyana, “Those who do not learn from the mistakes of the past are condemned to repeat them.” This has a particular poignancy for those of us in the U.S. these days.
Regardless, your post resonates loudly with me for all kinds of reasons, many of which I am sure you know. Have a look at my TIME post and it was my word for 2020 as well. I believe much hinges on where we are in our various life stages, with ourselves, our families, our work and our “plan” for what’s ahead. We also know life can change suddenly as illustrated again by the Kobe Bryant tragic end. Suffice to say, we celebrate each day and each year with enormous and deep gratitude for the adventures we can choose to keep life challenging, interesting, engaging and rewarding. Thanks again for so much food for the mill.
“We celebrate each day and each year with enormous and deep gratitude for the adventures we can choose to keep life challenging, interesting, engaging and rewarding.” Yes, yes, yes! The key is to choose with thoughts and aligned actions. Life can absolutely change suddenly in so many different ways. Instead of holding tight to a specific moment in time, we need to flow into the present moment with an open heart and mind. (Like how I worked in my word for the year too? ;))
Grateful for your connection and insights, Gary!
Alli
Wonderful and honest post as always Alli! I had to think about how often I have done the same thing you describe even in my professional life. We figure out what we are good at and how comfortable it feels to continue along the same path. Then one day it doesn’t seem to work as well. I find that keeping an open and curious mindset has been my saving grace and a love of learning new things. All in all your vacation with your family sounded awesome! Here’s to a great new school year for all of you!
Thanks for your comment, Terri! This definitely applies to our professional lives as well. I know many coaches who have a favorite question… the one that always helps clients go deep. The thing is, asking that question is by rote and it doesn’t always land. Unless we shake it up, the people around us will be victims of our stagnation too.
I love your deep love for learning and continuous growth!
Yes, vacation was great. I always love every opportunity I have to be neara the sea.
Alli
I tend to romanticize memories from my past as well. I think back on certain aspects of living on a remote cattle ranch in Wyoming and am filled with longing and warm memories…funny how I “forget” the hardships and desolation of those same times. This is one reason I keep a journal, not that I want to wallow in my misery by reliving it; rather, I want to remember the lessons that came from the hardships and feelings of desolation. There is where I’ll mine true wisdom. Warm memories are essential for our well-being, it’s just that is not where reality is lived…
Funny how we do that – romanticize the past. Impressive that you’ve kept journals that connect you to your feelings when you were in it vs reminiscing. You’re right, those memories are important, as long as we don’t use them as a measuring stick.
xo,
Alli