My child is having a hard week at school. Friends were cruel. Peers they thought they could count on turned their back. Today, they’re in bed instead of the classroom, unable to face the prospect of another day of getting beaten down.
This is life, we tell them. You can’t close the door, turn off the lights and pretend time won’t pass or will undo what’s happened or will mend your pain. Go to school. Make it happen. Avoidance never works.
That’s when they stare into our eyes, shooting daggers, and insist we have no clue. If they show up, it will be awful, even more terrible than the day before.
Avoidance may feel like a coping skill; I know it does for my child. “I’ll watch videos for countless hours and will put out of my mind this thing I don’t want to think about…” Avoidance is sneaky. You think not ruminating or confronting a situation is helpful, but it’s maladaptive and stops you from moving forward. It’s choosing to be stuck.
Mom and Dad’s wisdom is not something that’s embraced by most teenagers who are finding their way in the world. However, after decades in the workforce and surviving teenage years ourselves, we know a thing or two or ten.
Whether you’re 13 or 75, attending school or in the workforce, some universal laws of life hold true.
Avoidance: Universal Laws
Avoidance doesn’t change anything in the present.
Shutting out all thoughts of yesterday’s experiences can’t erase the past.
Avoiding today won’t make it better tomorrow.
My child insists I don’t know all of the laws. Other things are always true too, they say. Not unless you can see the future, I insist right back. Their laws are based on fear, not the truth.
If I show up, it will get worse.
If I do it, I’ll fail.
If I try, people will laugh.
Even though we can’t see the future, we can make educated guesses about how our choices and behaviors will influence the outcomes.
Ready to give your psychic ability a go?
Don’t try?
Stop showing up?
Ignore issues?
Hold back communication?
Sequester yourself?
Step into the discomfort?
Forgive?
Trust?
Try?
There is a lot of heartbreak and horror in the world right now. I know countless people who are walking away from social media so they won’t be confronted with post after post and image after image. It doesn’t mean the world stops, coronavirus is gone, and protests and injustice stop because you choose not to look. If your heart needs a break, I get it, but it’s your engagement with the world that has the power to change it for the better.
Avoidance of what makes you uncomfortable is choosing the status quo not only for yourself but also for others who need you to step up now, not when the dust settles.
Change requires you to embrace courage over fear and action over avoidance.
You can’t avoid life. Life is amazing and awful, and about a billion other points in-between. Reality is things will get tough, but those rough times are not a divine sign they’ll never get better. Also true, you’re not meant to be in the giddy-up place 24/7. That feeling of walking on air is not the same thing as contentment or deep satisfaction.
People are mean, crappy unexpected things happen, we get sick, hurt, and knocked around. We can also choose to get up, dust off, dig deep, work hard, and keep moving forward. Avoidance is a short term band-aid at best, it’s time to rip it off.
Great insights and post Alli! Such a difficult topic for so many. Avoidance is obviously never a great solution as it usually adds to more turmoil. Instead of avoiding a challenging or uncomfortable situation I try to step back and process the pros and cons. I am facing a difficult dilemma right now in a non-profit that has no perfect solution. I have decided to talk it through with the team and weigh different actions. Time and preparing a strategy can be helpful. So sorry to hear about the upsetting kid situation at school. Hang in there.
Terri
Pro/con lists can be useful – especially when we push ourselves to dig deep on both sides of the equation. In fact, doing them with others often yields eye-opening results.
I appreciate your measured actions to tackle the situation instead of just hoping for the best or looking the other way.
Oh, kid situations are so hard yet we know they’re not forever even when the kid doesn’t.
Thanks, Terri.
Alli
Wow Alli … I do love this post. It is a topic near and dear to my heart. Avoidance can be a temporary solution in the face of true danger (e.g. avoiding a violent bully). However, when we use avoidance for everyday worries, we fool ourselves into believing that things are better. Yet the day goes on without us and that can lead to graver issues that surprise us when we “wake up.”
Great post … will share.
Kate
Great distinction, Kate. In the face of true danger, avoidance may be the first part of a lasting solution. It gives us space to figure out what’s next It’s when we skip that “what’s next” piece and continue to avoid that the situation escalates and grows and becomes a monster while we look the other way hoping things will resolve on their own. Thanks for your addition!
Alli
Somehow I missed this recent post as I usually get them via an email. Regardless, glad I caught it on Twitter as it is such an important issue. Reminds me of the ostrich with head in the sand, avoiding seeing it so it’s not there syndrome. Wow, is that ever current in our Covid crisis and total lack of leadership. Avoidance, big time with that and other issues too.
As for kids, question is how to make it different or better even if it means a little subterfuge, a word and technique not very popular but sometimes effective. It’s a little like guerilla warfare, attack where not expected, the element of surprise. We need creative strategies for facing things head on.
I agree, creative strategies for facing things head-on. We’re pushing our creativity over here daily. 🙂
Also, as for the head in the sand, it’s exactly the image it brings to mind for me too.
If you have other strategies we can give a whirl, send them my way!
Alli
Great post Alli!
Sometimes in order to move forward you do have to avoid things… like the news at the moment in order to retain some sense of positivity in your own little corner of the world.
Be aware, be informed, but don’t drill down into every little detail. Otherwise you will never put your head up over the parapet and try something new!
Chilly winter regards from the far south!
Ingrid
Great points, Ingrid. Just because you resist the information overload it doesn’t mean that you’re not informed. It can definitely get overwhelming after checking unlimited news sources and social sites. Avoiding the drill-down and turning off are not one and the same. I appreciate your insight, Ingrid!
Greetings from the chilly NT to you! It’s my favorite time of the year here…
Alli
My favourite time of year too Alli. We’ve really missed the Dark MOFO festival this year with its winter feast and dark art installations around the city. So I created our own feast/festival at home to celebrate the winter solstice. No snow here yet though!