Ever have one of those weeks when someone is making your life miserable? It’s as if they’re doing everything in their power to drive you over the edge.
I’ve had one of those weeks at home.
iPads instead of studying.
Rooms that could have new civilizations living under the piles of stuff on the floor.
Homework assignments put off until last minute.
Unprepared for class.
Angry when we try to discipline. Set rules.
Angry at life because it’s stressful and growing up is hard, but I won’t tell you that it’s hard because I’m a teenager who holds it all in until I explode.
They’re angry? I’m livid.
In fact, livid is putting it mildly.
So what do you think I do?
Lovingly flit to their room, wait for their round of Fortnite to end, and sweetly ask them to make a better choice? Come on, honey.
No.
I yell.
Complain.
Punish.
Then I shout some more.
It’s like a tornado is forming and it’s getting wider and deeper eating up our lives and relationship.
I’m justified by the way. They are behaving like a baby, I’ll treat them like someone who’s not old enough to make their own decisions. I’ll show them what they deserve; what they’re asking for.
After all, they are wrong. They are making bad choices and acting like an ass in the process. I’m right, right?
After all my screaming, nagging, punishing and criticism, do you think they made a better choice? Made a change? Calmed down? Apologized?
No.
Why not?
Do you think I invited them to go to to a place where a change was possible with my words and actions?
No.
Do you think I made them feel worse and backed into a corner?
Yup.
It was fight or flight time, and they dug in for the fight. After all, they were being attacked.
Stop here.
If I told you that they needed to “get it” and they “had to change” and they were in the “wrong” you’d probably think I was right – especially if you’re a parent.
What if???
What if they aren’t the problem, but my response to the problem is the problem. Try that on for size for a sec.
Could it be? That very thing that is driving me bonkers and making me want to explode with anger isn’t only about the other person?
What do you think my chosen response did? I’ll tell you – it made it worse. Escalation central.
It’s easy for me to look at them and place blame, but they weren’t the only ones who raised the stakes.
From here, this cesspool of anger and frustration on both sides… what’s possible? Not much. It’s a deadlock each of us pointing, hating and blaming the other person for being out of control.
Something has to change. I’d like to say it’s them but I know the truth. Personal leadership is about admitting when we’re wrong and choosing to do what’s right.
Someone has to change to invite change in our responses, relationship, communication, and lives. Let it be me.
Let it be you. You go first.
[Tweet “Remember: If I am part of the problem, I can choose to be a part of the solution.”]
Change Starts with You
At work, at home… Whether we admit it to ourselves or not, we are a part of the problem, and we can be a part of the solution.
Start here. Ask Yourself:
Where are you escalating, blaming or demonizing?
What would happen if you took a step back from your anger and frustration?
How do you think that they see you? Experience you?
When you speak with them, are you using nice or polite words but feeling the hate or disdain flow through your body?
Is this the person you want to be?
Are you letting default behaviors run your life?
What do you want more: To be right, to win or move forward with peace?
Are you inviting change or more of the same?
Change starts with you. Make the choice to let your personal leadership shine.
If you’re ready to instigate change and choose peace within, I can help you. Let’s talk.
“the power of the reflection questions at the end. Take the time to sit with them, ponder them, and find your answers within. ” Your honesty, candor and caring come through loud, soft and clear. Thanks for sharing.
Appreciate your support and encouragement, Gary. Thanks.
Alli
Hi Alli,
You take an age-old topic like dealing with change and in one great line brighten it up with: Choose to be part of the solution!
As I read your post, I was rocketed back to my forlorn days when I felt trapped in my job. I complained, I was angry at the company, etc…. Then one Saturday morning, I saw myself in the mirror and said “Stop kidding yourself. You are the only one who can solve this. Do it!”
Be the solution as you say and the problem disappears.
Wonderful post in this Labor Day weekend in the USA. Get to work for yourself and you will be happier.
Thanks for this,
Kate
Thanks, Kate. We love to buy-into our problems. We also love to have someone or something to blame (person, organization, etc.). We can choose the anger and frustration or we can instigate a change. We do not have to wait for the “other side” to magically change because when we change, the way we see them does too. We’re no longer tethered to our story about them, but creating a new one.
Thanks for sharing your experience here.
Alli
It is so easy to blame others for things that are not going well in our lives. When I am feeling lost or uncomfortable I try to step back from the situation and see how I am contributing to the problem. Before I understand what I am doing to make a difficult situation worse I can’t begin to solve it.
Thanks for sharing this great post Alli!
It’s a step that we often miss when we fall into bad behaviors – asking how we’re contributing to the problem instead of assuming that we’re all-good and they’re all-bad. It’s never all anything and the truth is somewhere in the middle.
Thanks for sharing your insight!
Alli