I’ve been away for a few weeks on one of the most significant trips that our family has ever taken. We ate well, followed the footsteps of history, and did things that we would never do at home. In our son’s case, that meant rappelling down a makhtesh that’s also the world’s largest erosion crater.
Before our trip, when we talked about rappelling, he was excited. During his school camps, he had gone abseiling and loved it. Then we arrived on location, and suddenly, it was as if his confidence was possessed by an unexpected strong gust of wind and thrown over the edge of the crater never to be seen again.
Here’s a view of the crater from our hotel room:
As his Mom, I tried to be encouraging, but that only goes so far when you tell someone, “You’ve got this and no, I wouldn’t do it in a billion years. Have fun!”
I stood safely back from the edge and watched our guide hook up the ropes and had our son step into the harness.
Then our son stopped.
“I don’t want to do this,” he said with conviction.
We all shouted our support.
You’ll love it!
We’ve talked about this!
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!
Be brave!
What we didn’t shout, but all thought was:
Holy crap, thank goodness that’s not me.
As he walked to the edge, his protestations got louder.
“Please. Unhook me. I really don’t want to do this.”
The guide tried to center him on his voice. He spoke to him calmly and soothingly, but it did little to convince our son he should go over the edge. At one point, he’ll never admit it, I think he was almost in tears.
As his mother, I wanted to stand up and shout to get him unhooked ASAP! He didn’t want to do it, and we weren’t going to push him over the edge! A smaller, quieter part of me knew that the guide wouldn’t force him, safety was paramount, but was trying to help him find it within himself.
Then the guide said the words that changed everything:
“Stop thinking about the fear; think about the success.”
Something had shifted. Our son was still afraid, but instead of being frozen and ready to walk away, he started moving towards his goal.
Do You Feel Like You’re Rappelling Down a Cliff?
It’s not often you’re literally going over the edge of a cliff, but there are many times in life that it feels like it. Starting a business, new job, getting married, moving overseas, you name it. It’s something that you really want to do but the closer you get to doing it, the louder the voice in your head shouts that you should stop. What if you get hurt or fail or hate the choice that you made?
Let’s Get Real
In my son’s case, he had a harness, and his rappelling set up by an expert. He wasn’t getting a running start, jumping over the edge, and hoping for the best.
In your case, there’s planning, work, and effort that enables you to make the leap from here to where you want to go. It’s not about satisfying a whim, but instead making a decision and taking action to make the leap.
When your brain goes into overdrive, and you begin to obsess over everything that could go wrong, your deepest fears, it doesn’t mean you have to listen. You can stop focusing your energy on the fear and like our guide that day said, focus on the success.
Ask Yourself
What is it you want to create?
When you’ve gone over your mental cliff instead of running in the other direction, what will it feel like?
What will you learn about yourself by moving forward?
Who do you want to be? Need to be?
Who’s writing your story?
Tune Out to Tune In
It’s easy to encourage someone to take a huge risk and go where they’re most afraid to go from the sidelines. I gave my son a double thumbs up to do something I’d never have the courage to do.
When you have naysayers or encouragers surrounding you, neither one can force you to move. You need to turn within, beneath the fear, and listen to your inner knower.
As I watched my son go over the edge and begin his descent, yes, I wanted to throw up, but I was proud. He found it within himself to not let fear take the lead. He also was a role model for me to take a look at my life and be honest about where I was embracing the fear, the worst case scenario, and forgetting to envision the success.
Create a picture of your success, your best case scenario, that’s so big and irresistible that it calls you forward. You have what it takes, you just need to be brave enough to go for it.
I love this post Alli! I am so proud of your son for all the challenges he took on this year! Having faith involves being prepared. When I am facing a new and uncomfortable situation I am much more confident if I have taken the time to think the process through and played out how I will react if I am feeling unbalanced.
What an exciting trip and adventure!!! Thanks for making it come alive and challenging us to step out of our comfort zones.
Appreciate that you know that you will feel unbalanced when facing an uncomfortable situation and beyond picturing your success, you plan for the discomfort and strategies to keep moving forward. It happens to everyone. Navigating that time isn’t easy, thanks for your addition.
The trip was wonderful. Now to sort through all of the pictures while it’s fresh and make a photo album. Eventually…
Alli
Welcome back, Alli.
As I move into a new phase of my business, I can relate! Love this: “Stop thinking about the fear; think about the success.” Such wisdom from an expert that deals with this issue ever day I’m sure. How did your son feel after? I bet he was so proud of himself. When I feel fear is stopping me, often, the one thing that helps me move forward is: how will that regret feel if I don’t try?
Perfect timing for this post. Thank you!
Lori
I’ve been inspired watching you from afar as you grow your business. That’s the perfect question to ask too. I guarantee you that if my son had decided not to rappel, we would have gotten home and he’d tell me he wished he had gone for it. After he did it, he did feel amazing but most importantly learned something about himself. One of my goals is to not let him forget that moment as we get back on the day to day routines.
As I start NaNoWriMo today, I’m going to keep your question front of mind.
Thanks, Lori!
Alli
Alli,
Good to see you again. Here are the key words for me whether about ourselves or watching others “I wanted to throw up, but I was proud.” When we are able to launch into something new knowing there is inherent risk, even the possibility of failure, and yet we go ahead, that’s one of those moments in time of a critical decision. Just think how different things might have been in the past had we not been able to summon the courage to step off that proverbial cliff. I’m glad I have had those opportunities over a lifetime and grateful for those in the background offering encouragement and support. Well done, Mom.
Oh how many cliffs there have been 🙂
There have been more than a few that I’ve said: I can’t. I won’t. I give up. I have my mini freak out moment and then, suck it up and keep moving. There have been times to go back, regroup, and find new strength and a new cliff…
Enough with the cliff metaphors. It was a remarkable adventure and I’m also happy to be home. Already starting to ask myself “what’s next?”
Thanks, Gary!
Alli
I can relate. When I had to repel down a rock face in The White Mountains (of New Hampshire) decades ago, my logical mind froze what had been a compliant body (up until that moment.) I was able to climb up without issue and with a professional guide leading and few more rookies like myself in front of me. I was collecting gear on the way up. On the plateau (AKA, what was known to me) I froze at the thought of the unknown. It took some gentle coaching (and coaxing) to get me started, but the more I assumed responsibility for my own outcome, the more I enjoyed the experience all the way down. I like to think this is how I approach my coaching practice, too: A combination of lightweight guidance and encouraging people to gradually assume responsibility for their own outcomes usually through experience-informed examples. I remember that guide (Joe Lentini) and his words and actions.
Thanks for sharing your story here, Alli!
Cheers,
Greg
Greg,
I’m grateful for your description! Clearly, I wasn’t in my son’s mind but could see from the outside the internal struggle. What a beautiful way to structure your coaching too. As coaches, we don’t make people do anything but instead are like that guide, walking with them to the edge and helping them discover what they need to be able to continue their journey.
I won’t forget the name of our guide that day either… I may not have been the one rappelling but certainly walked away with some lessons I’ll never forget.
Many thanks, Greg!
Alli
Many would suggest this is the long touted “Power of Positive Thinking” so often raised in situations such as this … Positive thinking is important for sure, don’t get me wrong! But, of course, it’s not the whole story. As I read about your son, I see positive thinking all around – AND with the fear all around too. What led to your son’s adventure, IMO, was the guide’s “Power of Positive Considering, Planning, and (Resulting) Reasoning.” Certainly through many similar situations – probably starting with his own, he determined it was the vision of success that was / is the key to overcoming fear! AND, of course, his knowledge / expertise as well as the availability of the safety equipment / procedures enabled him to convincingly work with your son.
The obvious (to me at least) questions remain. What impact did / does your son’s adventure overcoming fear have on you and others in your family? Indeed, what would /does it have on me and others (I’d have been right there with you I’m certain)? You WERE there … Did it change you? I read of no rappelling by you. Would you do it now after your son’s experience? I want to believe it helps me reading this but I honestly don’t know in my case …
Considering – yup. We talked about it for ages.
Planning – absolutely. We had an expert with us.
Reasoning – that was the tough part. Finding reason lurking within the fear. Envisioning the success helped him to find what he needed. (and there I was on my phone putting the guide’s words of wisdom in my notes app for a future blog post)
I also appreciate your questions. After I gave him a huge hug at the end, I asked him what he learned about himself. I gave a little hint at the end of the post but I’ve been looking at things in my life differently too. What was I holding back on or believing my stories instead of taking the action I said I wanted to take?
The one thing I know for sure is that after he did it successfully, the guide suggested it was my turn. Nope. No way. No thanks. (this said by the woman who went on the Hulk roller coaster at Universal alone). We all have cliffs to face… that one wasn’t mine.
Thanks for your comment, John!
Alli
Wow! What a fun trip! I can only imagine how proud you are of your son. It’s rare when we can pinpoint those specific instances when we’ve had to intentionally chose to move toward our fear or…miss out on becoming the person that’s inside and begging to get out. As a coach, I firmly believe we’ve all had those instances but the challenge is to excavate the significance of our own stories and experiences. Everything we need can be found inside…
It was a fabulous trip and this was one of the highlights.
I agree with you, moments big and small have something to teach us about ourselves. Too often we don’t stop to figure it out, to go deeper. We’re so busy running from one achievement to the next like we run from one meeting to the next. That’s the beauty of working with a coach it’s a time slow down and look within.
Thanks, LaRae!
Alli
That’s a great option, if it works. But fear isn’t rational. It doesn’t always listen to reason. Great that it worked for him, though. I’m sure he learned a much more valuable lesson than just about heights.
Fear is definitely far from rational. I think it also helped him he had a calm and composed expert leading him through it. I try to keep my focus on the success and not the fear but that darn fear can be powerful and keep creeping into the picture. There are ways to break free from fear and this is one of them but not one that works for everyone.
Grateful for your comment, David!
Alli