How to Finally Stop Arguing All the Time and Break the Cycle

Do you hear that? Maybe it’s me, shouting at my kids as if saying my point louder will magically make it sink in and get them to comply with my wishes.  

Your room is gross! Clean it!

Study! You will fail your exams if you don’t prioritize school work at some point!

How is it possible you have no idea if you have any homework!? Weren’t you in class?

No, you can’t have 10 more hours on Xbox!

Why can’t you come out of your room and be with the family?! Will an hour kill you?

Ready for a shock? The yelling and arguing didn’t make them do what I wanted them to do 99.99% of the time. Yet, I persisted in getting worked up to the boiling point 27,000 times a day. 

All I wanted was to get our family to stop arguing all the time. I was blind to the fact that I was the ring leader who was frustrated that everyone was following my lead. That doesn’t work.  

If you’ve ever seen or been a part of a dysfunctional team that can’t stop arguing all the time, the person who could step in and set a different tone often doesn’t. They participate in the dysfunction instead of transforming it.  

Change starts with one person. From the outside in, you can see that’s the leader. From the inside out, assume that change has to start with you. You are the leader in your life. Don’t wait for someone else to become the person you want them to be to stop the arguing; choose to change. 

A Real-life Shift

On Monday, when I dropped my angels off at a school, I made a suggestion to my daughter and immediately told her I believe she can achieve what she wants. It would be tough, but we, her parents, know she can do it. I told both kids how much I loved them and wished them a wonderful day before we got too close to school. They hate it when I say “I love you” once the door is open and a passing student could hear. So embarrassing!  

Once we were at the front of the drop-off line, my daughter opened her door to get out and turned to look at me with concern and asked, “Are you ok? You’re acting different.” 

You know what? We all acted differently because I did. No eye rolls or nasty criticism met with silence and angry looks. There were also no accusations from sister to brother and back, a minor miracle. We had a positive attitude, a positive drive to school and, drum roll, good days ahead. After school, all of us reported a good day, a rarity.  

Most days, getting out of the car at drop off, I tell them how much I love them. The difference on Monday? Some will call it mindset, I call it a heart at peace. I chose not to be at war with them. Words, when we say them at war, convey a different feeling than when we’re at peace – even when they’re the same words. 

What Can You do to Stop Arguing?

All around the world, people are spending unusually large quantities of quality time with loved ones. Arguing for many families is not isolated to this moment in time but is exacerbated by it.  

I’ve also had clients come to me to stop arguing with their colleagues or boss. While they were not engaged in shouting matches, they were in daily conflict with others and at their wits’ end. Arguing looks different at work, and their underlying strain, harsh words, and comments undermined their potential for success.  

12 Things You Can Do to Stop Arguing and Create More Positive and Productive Relationships

1. You can’t change them. Oh my gosh, how easy would life be if you could just change someone to be and do exactly what you want. You can’t. That’s a fact; accept it and move on.
   
2. You can choose to respond instead of react. When you react, you’re at a disadvantage. There’s little forethought, and emotions lead the way instead of your calmer, more rational mind. When you respond, you notice your reaction and can stop it, reflecting and choosing your approach.
   
3. Share your words of wisdom and let them make mistakes. You can’t always jump in and save someone or do things for them. Share your thoughts, but let them learn, even when it’s painful. Stop feeling responsible for their bad decisions. No more “I told you so.”
   
4. Lead with love. When you lead with love, you care. It’s that simple. When you reach the point you no longer care or give up, you may stop arguing, but you’re also ending the relationship.
   
5. Let things roll right by you. There are a billion things you could change or micromanage. Do they all deserve that much attention? No. You will feel lighter, and so will those you’re fighting with the most.
   
6. Have a centering practice. Take a bath, exercise, read, use a mindfulness app, knit, have a hobby. Whatever it is, prioritize it. It’s essential to care for yourself and reduce your stress levels to live a happier and less argument-filled life. 
   
7. Know when to step away and then choose to come back. Learn to remove yourself from the situation without running away from it. Take a beat, a few breaths, compose yourself, and head back in with a renewed mindset.
   
8. Speak from your heart. People respond with vulnerability when you are willing to share your vulnerability. When you speak to the part of someone beyond the anger, you cut through to where change and connection are possible.
   
9. Instead of dismissing their perspective, accept that’s the way they see it. Most people are quick to deflect and defend instead of seeking to understand. Even if you can’t embrace someone’s POV, it doesn’t negate how they see the world.
   
10. Create a draw and stop thinking there’s only winners and losers. Sure, not every situation can be resolved with a compromise, but it doesn’t hurt to find ways to incorporate other ideas into your solutions. Just because it’s not exactly what you wanted doesn’t mean it’s a loss. 
    
11. Notice your go-to breaking point. I feel it when I’m about to lose it, and I bet you do too. Usually, I’ll get a tightness in my limbs, my breathing changes, lips are pursed, and teeth together. It’s a sign that whatever happens next is not going to be pretty. When you know the signs, you can change direction. 
    
12. Choose a heart at peace. Any words, hard or soft, can be said with a heart at peace, just like they can be said when your heart is at war. Other people, their words and decisions, lose their ability to control you when you choose a heart at peace.
    

I’m not going to end on a lie that I no longer argue my children, and if you follow my 12 points, you’ll ever argue again either. I am not going to pretend I’m an amazing guru who takes all of my own advice from years of working in personal development. We will argue again, and I’ll make bad choices. However, will I continue to get back on track faster? Say sorry sooner? Embrace a heart at peace more often? Yes, because I choose to continue to work on it and work on myself, and you can too.