The grocery store was packed, and every single shopper was miserable. Aisles were slow going, favorite brands were sold out and the checkout lines looked like they were miles long. It was a scene that’s probably familiar to anyone who has ever done their grocery shopping on the weekend.
Not one person was making eye contact with anyone else. Everyone was on a mission to fill their cart and go home; making a human connection was not on the agenda.
When it was my turn to pay, I smiled at the cashier and got a weak smile in return. I was willing to bet a lot of money that most people took out their frustration on her, as if their shopping on a Saturday was her fault.
We exchanged four sentences.
“Busy day,” I said.
“Haven’t seen it like this in a long time,” she replied.
“I hope tomorrow’s easier.”
“Thanks, me too.”
Four sentences, easy peasy, and I felt a shift. In less than 30 seconds, we had created a small oasis in an otherwise stress filled space.
Four Questions to Amp up Your Personal Leadership in Moments of Stress and Frustration:
- How often do you take your frustration out on someone just because they happen to be nearby?
- What would it feel like to lean into a relationship instead of staying in your bubble?
- Are you waiting for someone else to go first? Why?
- Do you hold yourself back from making eye contact? In what situations? Why?
[Tweet “Introvert or extrovert, you can connect with four sentences.”]
Crossing through the entryway of the store, on my way out to the parking lot, I was ready to get home, unload, and hang out with my family. My inner voice was shouting that this trip to the store took far too long and my day was wasting away. That’s when I noticed that the store’s music changed, and the new tune had an awesome acoustic vibe. I briefly wondered when they started playing such cool tunes at the grocers and why they had different music in the entrance than inside of the store.
I glanced to my right and saw that there was a man playing his guitar near the entryway. This guy was singing, strumming and putting amazing emotion into his song. I paused and took it in for a heartbeat. Too bad I had to get home, I would’ve loved to have heard more.
Despite my initial instinct to pause and listen, I had places to be, things to do and kept on pushing towards my car. Then I stopped and stood, motionless, stuck between the pull of his music and the pull of my family at home, waiting for lunch. It would only take a second… I turned around and went back to the curb. Without rethinking it, I looked in my wallet, pulled out some money and went to talk to the musician.
I put the money in his guitar case, and we too exchanged four sentences.
“Your music is awesome – thanks for playing for us today.”
“You are the first person who’s looked up and stopped to hear it.”
“You made my day.”
“Can you come back every weekend?”
I see him around town now and wave and say hello. I don’t know him, but now my small town is a little smaller.
Four Questions to Amp up Your Personal Leadership if Always in a Rush:
- Are you leading your life in a blur of busy-ness?
- Is the mission you’re on so time sensitive you can’t pause for 30 seconds?
- Do you ever wish you had more connection in your life, but all you have time for is work?
- How would a moment of connection change your demeanor and your day?
[Tweet “People are never background noise. Leaders create micro-moments of connection.”]
What would happen if you stopped being so busy and made the time for four sentences?
Go beyond the nod
We’ve all seen it, the nod. It says, “I see you” without saying a word. It’s nice to know you’re not invisible, but not exactly the same as making a connection.
If you ask, “How are you?” wait for the answer
At work, I’ve seen many people assume that simply saying the words, “How are you?” makes them likable and people-focused. However, most of those people never listen to or really care about the answer. Not good.
Stop using time as an excuse
If you don’t think that you have the time to exchange four sentences, you’re nuts. Less than a minute to say, “I see you, you matter.” Who can argue with that?
Choose moments of meaning
It’s up to you, will you sleepwalk through life or make it meaningful? It’s easy to stay heads down, but it’s equally easy to look up and be engaged with the moment.
[Tweet “Choose a little less rush, little more us. #leadership #life”]
BREAK THE FRAME ACTION:
Grab a piece of paper and make a list of the signs you’re stuck in your head (or lost in your own me-centric world):
Do you get annoyed when people cut into your physical space?
When do you most need to pause your mental list-making?
Are there times that you can hardly remember what happened earlier in the day?
Do you yell at your children without even knowing what they’re doing, but their noise is distraction enough?
Are you always on a mission, in a rush? What does that feel like? What are the physical signs you experience?
Take three minutes and write ’em all down. These, among others, are your triggers to make another choice. Carry this list with you or post it somewhere that you’ll see it daily. Most importantly, use it to wake up to when you’re zoning out so you can tune in, even if it’s only for four sentences. Personal development doesn’t happen by accident, it starts with the intention to change.
When was the last time you looked up from your busy life and saw the other people around you instead of the obstacles in your way?
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post Alli! Great article. You are the best my friend!
Thank you, Cindy! I appreciate all that you do as well – including your energy and inspiration!
Thank you so much! Reminders like this always inspire me and refocus me.
I love imagining you waving at the musician as you go through town!
Thanks, Chery! I heard him singing again at our weekend market this past Sunday. Once again, I put money in his case not only because I enjoyed his music, but also because of the memory of the morning at the store… still grateful.
~ alli
Fantastic post, Alli! It really put a smile on my face this morning. 🙂
I also have had that experience where I stopped to chat up someone and they were so appreciative. Their entire face and body perked up. When we take a few moments (and as you said that is all that’s needed) to acknowledge the worth of another human being, we bring joy to both them and us. We feel more connected to each other even for a short moment. It can make a difference.
Thanks for your beautiful words this morning! I will pass them along.
Thanks, Terri!
I too smiled reading your comment. I could picture exactly what you wrote – someone coming alive just through a moment of genuine interaction. We may think we’re too good to interact with someone at the store or smarter than someone or better than… we’re not. We’re all humans making our way and each moment of connection is a stepping stone on our journey.
Thanks so much!
I loved this post, Alli!
This is the behavior we see transcend into the best of leaders. The ones who get up from their desks and walk around exchanging four (or so) authentic sentences with their employees. Just finding out how their day is going or what exciting things they did over the weekend.
As you say, 30 seconds can really make a difference in someone’s day and best of all – feeling good can be contagious.
Thanks, Bill!
Management by walking around works when it’s not about keeping an eye on someone but talking, listening, learning and connecting. Was one of my favorite parts of my job when working inside of the corporation – getting to know the people on my team beyond the work.
PS. Congratulations on making the full-time leap into coaching!
Hi Alli,
I really enjoyed reading this post. Your trip to the grocery store, I can totally relate to. I see the same folks you do, the ones who are busy getting what they need so they can hurry up and high tail it out of there.
I’m always smiling at folks, saying hello or good day as I pass someone in the aisle. I don’t always get one back, but that’s okay, I know my sunny disposition will rub off on someone :).
Great post Alli! I’ve already passed it on. Hope you’re having a great week!
Cori
I’d love to see you at my store, Corina! People can either choose to go with the mopey masses or stick to spreading sunshine. Love your choice and hopefully it helps others join in (like a magnet!)
Life’s to short to “just get through it.”
Thanks, Corina!
From me, you know it’s coming: ‘It’s our CHOICE!’ Let’s look at the options. On the one hand, we can keep things less predictable, honestly engage in brief conversation with someone, somehow of interest to us at that time in that situation, and have a neat little anecdote to share later with friends and family. OR we can be absorbed in our own little world, feel sorry for our ‘terrible situation’ at that time in that isolated situation, and scowl and relate our (negative) takes of woe to friends and family later.
And we all know how often we and others (friends, family, colleagues, …) go for the latter, drowning any possible joy!!! What a downer before bedtime followed by another repeat the next day… I used ‘go’ instead of ‘chose’ because we all overlook so often the fact that we can choose.
Love the phrase, “Oasis of Connections” by the way!!!
For other EDUCATORS reading this, how’s your ‘oasis of connections’ with colleagues and students???
Definitely on the same page, John! We always have a choice and far too often people choose to be miserable and isolated and to stand apart. Life’s so much more fun when we’re in it together.
Great question at the end too. I can see many differences in the teachers my children have had over the years including the way they connect. Some have focused on the work at hand and others have opened the door to their lives (not in an inappropriate way, but in a very human way)
Thanks for your insights, John!
Alli,
Our pauses to look someone in the eye and engage in a quick conversation says a lot about us. A connection made each day can make someone’s day, including ours.
Thanks for the four sentence way to connect.
Jon
You raise an excellent point, Jon – eye contact! You can’t have the same impact when you’re looking at your phone as you can when looking someone in the eye.
Thanks!
~ Alli
Fantastic post Alli – we gain so much when we allow ourselves to remain in the present – The Power of Now as Tolle calls it.
I especially connected with you and the musician – they put themselves out there, unafraid of rejection – just doing what they love to do, what their passion calls them to do.
Best regards,
Carl
Thanks, Carl! I think that the way this musician was putting himself out there with total abandon really did break through my bubble and connect on another level before we exchanged a word. Powerful and something we should all seek to do.
Grateful for your connection and comment too 🙂
~ Alli
I love this post Alli!
I especially love the Break The Frame Action—what a great tool to slow us all down long enough to think about those little annoyances that turn into a big deal when our plans shift a little.
Taking the time to actually “see” another human being and to “hear” them as well. It’s the essence of personal leadership!
Thanks, LaRae! Sometimes just knowing our red flags can help us make better choices before we’re too far down another path.
Appreciate you! Thanks for adding to the conversation here!
I love the Qs Alli. We can travel the world with great questions and find our true self along the way.
Bravo!
Kate
Beautifully said!
Many thanks, Kate! Been a joy to connect with you and look forward to the time when it’s in person.
Best,
Alli
Just four simple words to make us connect better. Yet we seem to always be in a hurry. Thanks for the reminder Alli, I am definitely sharing this
Toby,
We are all so busy hurrying, we’re digging ourselves further and further into isolation. At some point, it’s not worth it.
Thanks for your comment! Really appreciate it!
Best,
Alli