Leadership is about teamwork, inspiration, vision, and innovation (throw in your favorite leadership buzzword or trait here). What the experts don’t tell you is that to find your leadership, you also have to learn to be alone.
In Australia, we live in a small house. It’s one floor with a single hallway leading from the family area to the bedrooms. That’s it. In America, we had the typical too-large three story home with room for all of us to be separate from each other in our own space. Here, we’re close.
I’ll often ask my children to get something from their room, shoes, socks, a book, and am consistently asked: “Will you come with me?”
If they can’t walk down the hall in our tiny house by themselves, what irrational fear are they allowing to grow?
I can’t be alone.
Something bad will happen if I’m alone.
Being alone is bad.
No, it’s not.
Being alone is empowering, and as you learn to be alone, you’ll discover that your confidence and courage grows because you also discover the grit within yourself.
[Tweet “Being alone isn’t bad, it’s isolation that is a leadership problem.”]
I can still remember being 23 and headed to my first big consulting assignment without my friends. I travelled for work a lot before, but never alone. An Associate Partner asked me to fly to Dallas from Philadelphia to support her during a series of client meetings; I hopped on a plane the next day.
For a heartbeat, I felt like my kids being asked to go to their rooms to grab something. I wished someone was making the trip with me. I wished that I had a friend in my meeting to make sure I didn’t mess up; that I’d be safe. Crazy feelings aside, I hopped on the plane.
As I drove from the airport to our meeting site, alone in that moment, I grew up. I was not asked to come with others because I was enough as-is. I was capable, happy and driven even without the safety of my start-group colleagues cheering me on to greatness.
Alone, I had time to prepare mentally, reflect, understand and breathe. Powerful.
If you read about introverts and extroverts, you’ll see many articles that sum it up that one type has to be alone, and the other hates it. The truth is that every leader, introvert or extrovert can use some alone time and be happy. Come on, do you really think that extroverts can’t survive an evening alone? It’s all about how you use your time.
[Tweet “Learn to be alone and stronger when together. “]
3 Tips to Learn to Be Alone
Separate alone from isolation.
We all know that silos can make even the most successful company fall to pieces. When alone, you can be creative, even crazy with your ideas without fear of judgement or derailment. You can (and should) engage with strategy, vision and next steps. Ultimately, bring those ideas back into the community to make them a reality.
Stop the noise.
Everyone wants your time and attention. Meeting to meeting, then home to family it’s non-stop. If you’ve ever thought, “I just want five minutes to think!,” take it. Shut your door, block your schedule and spend time on what can be – not only what is.
Do something you love.
Friends can’t join you for a movie that you’re dying to see? Go anyway. Do something for you. Head to a museum, read a book, take a walk. Luxuriate in something that brings you joy.
Alone time is a gift. In our non-stop ever-connected social world, alone is a luxury. As I’m writing this piece, I’m traveling alone. I’m not in town to meet with clients or see how much sightseeing I can cram into my 40 hours in town. I’m alone on business, yes, but also carving out the time to do things that I love and rediscover myself, recharge and get energized in the process.
I’ve worked with many clients who do not want to be alone with their thoughts or worries. They fight this fear by ensuring that they are, in fact, never alone. They’re always busy, on the go and avoid alone time like the plague. Here’s what I know: When you learn to be alone, you create the space to love yourself, as is. Something that every leader, parent and human being should do.
Alone does not mean the same thing as lonely. Use your time to reconnect with you, strengthen your vision and make meaningful progress on work that matters. Learn to be alone; you won’t regret it.
How have you incorporated alone time into your personal leadership?
We call the alone time “me time” in our household. It absolutely allows you time to recenter yourself. Thanks Alli for another great post!
Ah, yes. Me time. In the end, investing in me-time is also an investment in more productive and happy we-time.
Thanks so much, Joy!
Alli,
Agree completely! If we cannot be comfortable being alone, we will not have the confidence to be with others. Being alone allows us to re-center. It also enables us to clear our minds and re-focus on what matters most. Taking this time to be alone is a gift, and we need to open it with thoughtfulness.
Thanks!
Jon
Re-centering is critical. It’s easy to get caught up in the crisis of the day but without a beat for reflection, it’s just another hamster wheel.
Love the idea that not only is it a gift but one to open with care. When we find those moments of alone time that we work so hard to carve out, don’t let them be wasted.
Thanks, Jon!
Great post – as always. Two thoughts come to mind:
1. Even when working with teams, alone time is very important. I always facilitated my classes to include a significant team component. Lots of important lifelong skills and intrinsic motivation for learning CAN result from such efforts. AND after enough time as a team, the team outcomes will be better, faster (win-win), that the sum of outcomes from same individuals. One problem teams often have is believing ALL efforts must be made with everyone present! No, no, no… Yes, work together to understand the objective(s), to develop a plan of action, to periodically review how things are going, to determine how others can help with sticking points, to refine plans, to review the completed effort relative to the objectives. But if there are efforts that one person can address (and there will be), do it that way!!! One important advantage of teams is parallel efforts!!!
2. The late Stephen Covey wrote often about the Four Needs we all must address to be happy and satisfied. Three of them are pretty obvious: academic, physical (including financial), and social. But the fourth (I call internal) is the key need. Covey suggests periodically (for me each Sunday morning) finding a quiet place, ALONE, where you can consider how the other three needs are going and what might be done to have them go better. FOR ME, this time alone usually transitions into extended time alone – to Consider a situation important to me, to read for a while, to develop ‘seeds’ on a new topic of curiosity, … Wouldn’t miss this time (and similar ones elsewhere in my week) for anything short of an urgent situation that requires that time!!!
John,
You always add so much to the discussion! Thank you! You’re right – on a team not every single thing will be done as a single unit. There will always be times to break up and crank away on the work. Also, I found this article fascinating: https://hbr.org/2010/02/when-its-better-to-brainstorm/ It tells us that for very simple and very complex problems, solo brainstorming is better than with the whole group. For moderately complex problems, it’s great to have a group session. We have the answers within us and need to take the alone time to tease them out.
Also, love that you brought in Covey and how you implement his insights in your life. I too find that it’s during my alone time that I discover seeds that will one day be sowed. When alone and focused with intention on my life and work, I don’t turn on the TV for background noise or the radio. I appreciate the silence when my inner thoughts are the loudest.
Grateful! Thanks, John!
Thanks for the link. I look forward to Considering it. Fascinating outcomes you’ve listed!
Interesting or maybe just a crazy coincidence that you mentioned ‘seeds’ and ‘being sowed’ as earlier today, I had occasion early to again reference Covey and his Law of the Farm: Quoting him: “The only thing that endures over time is the ‘Law of the Farm.’ You must prepare the ground, plant the seed, cultivate, and water if you expect to reap the harvest.” He was saying that what ever anyone does, she/he must engage consistent with the Law of the Farm.
I took a look at the publication link. I really appreciate your providing it since it begins to help understand the puzzling outcomes for research on brainstorming. I thought and still think it might be good to review the ‘Management Science’ publication but so far it’ll cost much more than I want to spend – especially when the HBR paper says it includes a lot of integral signs… Emphasizing the diversity and ‘moderate’ complexity makes sense – though the explanation for very complex problems and brainstorming failure seems to me attributable to NOT sticking to brainstorming!!!
Again, thanks for the link.
Glad you liked the article. There are a few out there and I think it’s fascinating since most people believe that brainstorming is the way to get the most creative ideas – not always the case.
As always a thought provoking post Alli!
I need my alone time to gain perspective of what is going on in both my professional and personal life. I will set time on my calendar to look at my projects and presentations to make sure I am doing what supports my goals. If something seems inconsistent I put it aside to reflect on later.
I know people who are fearful being alone with their thoughts. That strikes me as being unwilling to accept the truth about one’s life. In that case change it up.
Thanks Alli and will share!
Being alone is nothing to fear – you hit on it when it’s really the fear of accepting a truth that you’re trying to ignore. Alone with your thoughts, it’s hard to escape what’s present. Can’t use “busy” as an out.
Thanks so much, Terri!
We still have to admit that it can also be lonely. I’ve found that many people who end up in leadership positions don’t know how to interact with their peers, which would be other supervisors, directors, etc. That’s something that can give one the feeling of being isolated sometimes.
I’m with you on your main point, that being there’s nothing wrong with spending time alone because something every leader needs is time to think, and that would be hard to do without being by oneself every once in a while.
I agree with your point, Mitch. When I started coaching executives years ago a question I would often ask is: “Just because everyone in the room laughs at your joke, how do you know it’s funny?” Senior leadership can be very lonely – until they develop a network of trusted advisors who they know will give them the real deal.
Your point on peer-to-peer relations is also well made. I can see that in many of the people I’ve worked with over the years – many.
Grateful for your comment! Adds a lot. Thanks, Mitch!
~ Alli
Hi Alli,
Loved this blog. A couple of years ago I left my corporate career to pursue an entrepreneurial adventure. What I found most difficult in the transition was the void in the “with people” aspect of my work. I was alone day in and day out for more time then I cared to be alone. Being an extrovert, I found myself struggling.
And then I discovered Kennesaw Mountain. It was a place I went to daily for several months to unwind from a long corporate career, reconnect with myself and plan my next act. As I hiked around the mountain, I never felt alone. I was comfortable and satisfied with nature as my companion.
Nature can be a wonderful ally in gaining appreciation for the gift of alone time. It can also be tremendously supportive of reconnecting with yourself.
That sounds like an incredible experience, Terri. When I left my corporate career to focus on coaching and writing etc. it was a tough one – going from leading teams to most of my time alone, in my home office.
I can feel the energy behind your description of nature as your companion. I hope that it inspires people to go beyond taking a walk around the block to truly rediscovering their spark within in nature.
Thank you!!
Alli
Well said! I just wrote about this as well. It’s amazing how, in a connected world, we often forget to turn it all off and enjoy being alone.
Thanks, Skip! Heading over to your site now to read your take. I agree – we are always connected and it has to be an intentional choice to invest in time alone.
~ Alli