At one time or another, we’ve all felt like we’re the “odd man out.” The worst part is when we convince ourselves that everyone notices that we don’t fit in, and our only choice is to hole up wait to be rescued.
Oh, wait, that’s never going to happen.
If you’re human, and I’m guessing that you are, you’ll have moments of feeling like you fit and others where you’re alone, even when amongst the crowd. You don’t need to be rescued from your humanity.
When I started working my first job, I had instant friends and colleagues. Ideal, right?
If you’ve ever had the pleasure of starting with a new company, you too have had new colleagues but may not have felt that way. You may relate more to floating, doing your thing to the best of your ability until you find “your people.” Those colleagues, who may one day be friends, are simply strangers at the start.
In the early 90’s, my first employer, Andersen Consulting, started new hires direct from the college campus over the summer months. Each of us had a start group (the people who started the same week as us) and a start summer (our larger cohort.) Start groups tended to be tight, and we looked out for each other. There was never a moment where I felt I didn’t fit in with the crowd; they were my people.
Then, of course, one day, I worked for a new company. Different story.
From the moment I walked through the office doors, I was alone. Nobody else was working in my function, and I told myself that I didn’t fit in – I was too different.
Eventually, I found a friend who was also flying solo in her function and new to the company and we commiserated and supported each other to do great work. Unfortunately, the overwhelming feeling that I wasn’t meant to be there became a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I left.
The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of “I Don’t Fit In”
Imagine you, soul sisters with Hester Prynne. Crazy. However, at one time or another, I’ll bet that you felt like you had your scarlet letter. A big, huge, red “A” with an arrow over your head everywhere you went flashing, “Look at me. I don’t belong here.”
Most of the time, it’s not the world pointing their finger at you and seeing your difference, but you, carrying your precious difference and nurturing it.
[I’m not talking about good difference either – the stuff that makes you the most awesome you that you in the universe. I’m getting at the difference that makes you feel shy, less than your best and unworthy. The worst kind of difference.]
Every time you tell yourself, friends and family, “I don’t fit in” you’re telling a story that you’re still writing.
[Tweet “When you hold onto your story, you make it come true.”]
Any of these stories sound familiar?
I Don’t Fit In – Everyone Knows It
Think people look at you and think, “Ewww?” The truth is, they probably don’t think about you much at all in the beginning. They don’t know you. Why assume that they’re judging you and hate you on the spot?
I Don’t Fit In – I’m Too Different
Yes, you’re different and super special and so am I and so is the woman who likes to work on her lawn all day down the street. Too different is subjective. It’s the negative feeling around your difference that drives your nervousness and makes connection feel out of reach. It’s hard and unsatisfying to go it alone. The good news is connection, being seen and truly known is something that we all crave even if most people won’t admit it.
I Don’t Fit In – They’re Tight
It stinks when you walk into a new company or social situation, and the clique is so tight that there’s no room for you to squeeze in. It feels impossible to crack, so you don’t try. You know how this story ends.
I Don’t Fit In – And I Never Will
Oh. Ouch. Talk about self-fulfilling prophecy. Now, there are two ways to read this sentence – one with pride and the other with sadness and shame. If you’re feeling isolated consistently, it’s hard to believe that things can and will change.
Fitting In: The Search for Your People
When I moved to Australia from the USA, I started to look for my people and in truth, didn’t find them. There were no women working from home in their own businesses in my immediate contacts. The people I did meet did not have a corporate past as I did – we couldn’t’ relate.
Oh, how wrong I was.
It turned out my people were not my religion, same professional background or any other category that I made up that they had to fit. When I broadened my identity, I found my tribes. As Blair Glaser reminds us, we can Tribe, Tribe Again.
Turnaround Time: 5 Things to Do When You Feel Like You Don’t Fit In
Reach Out
This can be super scary and intimidating, but you can’t let your fear stop you from making the first move. Invite someone to lunch or coffee. Strike up a conversation while you’re microwaving your lunch in the break room. You may not become besties, but it’s a place to start.
Don’t Hide from Your People
If you keep your head down or never leave your house because you work from home, nobody will find you. To find your people, they have to know that you’re there.
Know Yourself
Most people describe fitting in as feeling like one of the gang. In my coaching work helping people come into their personal leadership, I’ve discovered that most people don’t know where they fit. They have groups, lead, go along, but never really know who they are when they stop being busy. Take the time to know yourself, understand your values, your truth, then, like a divining rod, let your truth guide you forward to belonging.
Stick to Being You
Think back to college, when someone passed you the joint, did you take a hit or pass? There can be moments of fitting and moments when fitting in means changing who you are – don’t. This is not an anti-weed commercial. It’s saying yes or no based on your values, not your desire to be one of the crowd. Use your feeling of not fitting to continue seeking.
You are NOT Alone
You may believe that you’re the only one who feels like they don’t fit. You’re not. You are not alone. When you feel alone in your difference, take heart that others are having a similar experience. You are connected without even making a move.
Besides, when you and I feel like we’ll never fit in, we may not stick out as much as we think.
When my daughter had friends sleep over for her 4th-grade birthday party, I ordered some treats from the USA. When I brought them out and mentioned that she was sharing part of her American home with them, a friend turned to her in shock.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me that you’re American? I thought you were from Australia!”
My daughter did not have an Australian accent and apart from her newly acquired Australian phrasing, sounded like she was from the USA. I saw the difference between them; this child did not. They were friends and didn’t see or hear what separates them.
We hold our differences to keep us safe when in truth all they do is keep us separate.
What do you do when you feel like you don’t fit in?
Yeah it happens. When we are in college, our tendency is to make friends but as we grow up and start working for a company, our priorities change and we become suspicious of the motives of the people around us. That’s why we are reluctant to make new friends or to open up to someone.
Sad truth, Kate. I hear you. We go from being open and trusting to trying to get ahead and assuming that others are willing to step on our shoulders to get where they’re going. I remember the first days of Freshman year – what a beautiful time of openness and willingness to make connections with anyone and everyone. Some stuck while we moved on from others but in the process, it was filled with connection and meaning. Wish our adult lives could be like that – in truth, it can. Just a lot harder because even if you and I want it, it’s tough finding others who are willing to step forward too.
Thanks so much, Kate!
Hi Alli,
“Reach out” was a suggestion I zeroed in on. I tend to hang back and wait for others to ask me for coffee or lunch. As I think about this, I realize that I am always flattered when someone seeks me out. If that is true for me, it must be true for others. Reaching out is a compliment to the other person. It says, “I would like to spend time with you. You are worthy of my time.” Flip the thinking to make it about the other person. And that may help take the super scary down a notch or two.
What a powerful way to put it, Terri! Like you, my default is to hang back. However, when I’ve made the effort, I’ve also made some lifelong friends. Your perspective will definitely help people get over their resistance and give it a go. Thank you!!
~ Alli
Excellent post Alli! I will definitely be sharing! Always awesome posts!
Grateful! Thanks, Cindy!
~ Alli
Alli,
Know yourself and be open minded are two elements that help me be comfortable in meeting new people in new situations. We don’t need to change to fit in; we just need to be confident in who we are and that we can add value to the conversation and relationship with others… and they can help us as well.
Great points, Alli (again)!
Jon
I’m terrible at meeting new people in large groups. I used to think I was bad at networking. In truth, I just don’t enjoy working a room but instead getting to know people on a deeper level. Instead of thinking I was the worst networker in the room and didn’t fit in at networking events, I allowed myself to accept that I’m not a social butterfly and I did fit in – not in a one size fits all mold but in the space of successful soloprenuers who network. Totally with you, we don’t need to change but to show up fully as who we are.
Grateful, Jon!
~ Alli
Love this! I think knowing that almost everyone feels this way, even the ones who appear to be “tight” can also be very reassuring. I’ve gotten much better at this over the years (as a kid I was positive I didn’t fit in). I’ve noticed a great way to start is by being genuinely open and curious about everyone you meet…
Curiosity helps immensely. Some of the most stunning conversationalists are really just incredibly curious people who dig into the core of others. Helps to take the pressure off too.
Like you, I was sure that tight circles meant closed circles. A big turn for me was when someone else introduced me as “totally in” with a particular group where I definitely felt like I was on the fringes at best. Sometimes tight and fitting in are from an outsiders perception only.
Thanks, Karin!
Your description of my world is uncanny. Being yourself in a world where others want you to be what they want you to be is often a struggle. One which can be overwhelming. We all need to remember we have the choice to make different choices and to own our story. Greatness is in each of us and hiding it to “fit in” is a lose, lose result.
Also ask yourself am Is it me that doesn’t fit with them or them with me? Move on a be you.
Thanks for another great post.
The question that you pose is a powerful one, Tom. Do I not fit with them or is the opposite true? I hope that once people, you and I included, find the confidence and courage to be ourselves that the answer to that question becomes crystal clear. I agree with you, the desire to fit in is a powerful one. We all want to be known, to be seen and when we don’t fit in, we somehow feel invisible (or worse). It’s scary but a choice worth owning – will I be me or who they want me to be?
Thanks so much for adding your insights to the conversation!
~ Alli
Hi, Alli!
I liked “Know Yourself”. It’s hard to feel as if you belong when your identity is not well established. Then you melt in, becoming something other than who you are to fit in.
I remember hearing years ago that there are two types of people in the world. One type enters a room with a “Here I am!” energy and the other enters with a “There you are!” one.
But until you know who you are, you’re just playing a game that isn’t any fun.
Lori
Wow – what an image – melting in. Feels familiar.
Like your description of “here I am!” and “there you are!” It’s important to show up with the quiet strength that comes from knowing yourself. With that, when the two meet, with humility in the mix, there is room to create shared understanding and forge new relationships.
You’re right – when all you’re doing is trying to fit in, it stinks. It’s a game that’s unwinnable.
Thanks so much, Lori!
~ Alli
Hi Alli,
Very thought provoking post on a topic that touches everyone. The phrase “fitting in” may be part of the problem. It evokes an image of squeezing and limiting rather than giving and blending.
When I realized that difference many years ago, it changed the way I interacted. Curiosity and generosity became my mantra rather than finding what part of me could “fit in.”
Authenticity doesn’t have to be limiting — it can expand everyone.
Kate
Kate Nasser, The People Skills Coach™
Giving and blending – yes! When I regularly taught DiSC, I would talk to the people in my classes about flexing and meeting people where they are; that includes meeting people as who they are.
I recently had the experience of not fitting in with a training program I was attending. I found myself getting difficult and judgy. When I traded my judgement for curiosity and allowing the facilitator to be flawed (as I am) we began to build from there.
Authentity is expansive – what a fantastic point to remember and carry forward.
You have me thinking too – how our language feeds our desire to fit in when there’s really something deeper than those two words allow.
Grateful, Kate!
One of the unspoken themes in this piece that I love, is how you are encouraging people to own themselves, to, as I love to put it, stand in their authority. Defaulting to pride and shame, something I am guilty of when I feel out of place, are really flip sides of the same coin, right? I love the courage you summon within us as you direct us to claim who we are and connect, reach out, stop hiding behind busyness and letting our teenage wounded-ness run the show. Thanks, too, for the shout out!
Yes! Stepping into our authority. Not shying away or denying who we are in an attempt to be accepted by others. The more we bend and shimmy to be who we’re not, we miss out on finding our true home. Our people are out there – we just need the strength, persistence, and courage to find them and accept ourselves in the process.
Thanks, Blair!
Your post has captivated so many of us because at one time or another we just didn’t fit in.
For me the most comfortable way to get to know others is by asking questions. I genuinely love to learn about people and what makes them tick. When I attend a new networking event or meet a new group of people, I enjoy hearing what they do and why they chose a certain field to work in. People in turn really like to share their stories, especially with someone who is listening.
Thanks Alli for helping us dig deep into our challenges and talking about ways to overcome them! Great post and will share!
Leading with curiosity! Most people do love to share their stories with someone who genuinely wants to hear them. We can’t fit in until we discover who people truly are… curiosity is the way to go.
Thanks, Terri!
Hi, Alli
I was drew to this post (from triberr) by its title “I feel like I don’t fit In”. Because I always feel this way all my life. May be it is because I was the only girl among 5 brothers.
You message is clear: don’t hide and reach out. If I reach out people more without thinking about whether I will be fit in or not. The result may be different.
Thanks for the post! Will share.
Stella Chiu
Stella! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I love where you’re pointing us – we can’t control how others see us but we can control how we see and feel about ourselves. Reach out because you want to, because you’re inspired to and because you’re drawn to connection. Let go of the outcome and do it without yearning but truly for you. Powerful. Thank you!
~ Alli
Hi Alli!
I see this thread is a couple of years old, so I don’t know if anyone will even read this..just thought I would share my thoughts. Having personally experienced both ends of the sprectrum (feeling like I fit in vs. not), as I am maturing my way of thinking about all the time I wasted in the past worrying so much what others thought about me. Now I realize that what matters is what “I” think of me, and if I feel like I am living my life in a manner that is true to me and my beliefs. Some days I still want to just be a recluse and hide from the world around me. It isn’t always easy, but I am still striving to just be me and to be perfectly okay with that, whether alone or in a group setting. It does require a conscious effort (at least it does for me, and I have to remind myself still to just be me and be happy with who I am. When communicating with others with whom I have felt as if I didn’t “fit in,” I agree so much with what you and others have said here about asking questions, and being an active listener. Knowing that others experience the same concerns is definitely a great reminder of how we are all so much alike…just as we have our differences…like a good balance. Thanks so much!
Brynn
Brynn,
I am so grateful for your comment. I think what strikes me the most is that it’s a process and a choice. You’re right, what matters most is what you think of you. Will there be days that suck? Yup. Days that rock? Yup. A ton of days that are in-between? Of course. In the midst of it all, it can be so easy to lose track of whose opinions matter most.
Warmly,
Alli