It finally happened. No more supporting roles only for me. A director cast me as a lead.
At one of our early read-throughs, the director turned to me and asked, “Why do you keep doing that?”
“Doing what?” I questioned.
“Your voice goes up at the end of your sentences.”
Huh. News to me.
I did not make my voice rise at the end of my sentence on purpose; it wasn’t a conscious choice. Had I spent years turning the period at the end of my sentences into question marks?
For the production, I had to change quickly. The same held true off of the stage. Speaking with authority meant communicating my convictions, so people knew I meant it, not sounding as if I doubted my words the second they came out of my mouth.
Are You Speaking in Question Marks or Embodying Your Confidence and Authority?
Last week I listened to a client during a coaching session. The words they said were: “I can do it.”
The huge question mark I heard from their voice going up at the end of their statement said: “Maybe I can do it. I’m not sure. I guess I’ll say it because I know I’m supposed to, but we’ll see.” Talk about sabotaging your confidence!
“Do you believe what you’re saying?”
“I do,” they said, and it sounded a lot more like, “I do?”
It was clear that as much as we needed to work on what kept them stuck, they also needed awareness of their tendency to “upspeak.” Upspeak is when someone’s tone rises at the end of their sentence turning statements into questions.
How to Know if You’re Sabotaging Your Confidence and Authority with Upspeak?
Ask a few people you trust.
Depending on your level in the organization, the people around you may hesitate to provide you feedback even when asked. Reach out to the truth-tellers at work and in your personal life and inquire: “When I speak, do I frequently sound like I’m asking a question when I’m clearly not asking one?”
Record yourself speaking.
Maybe you have a presentation to practice, or perhaps you can watch the playback of a recorded Zoom call. You can always pull out your phone or laptop, grab a book, hit record, and start reading.
Even without recording, what do you notice?
Maintain an awareness of your speaking, paying attention to your intonation. Pay attention with family, colleagues, on conference calls, and in person.
When you catch yourself in upspeak, what’s happening internally?
For some, upspeak is a habit, and they use it frequently. However, for many, upspeak is an indication of their internal state; confidence lagging their voice goes up.
What did you discover? Ask yourself:
Do I need to make a change in both my inner life and external communication?
Am I mirroring the way of speaking of the people around me?
Do I sound like I believe what I’m saying?
When I am making a statement, do people often respond to me as if I’ve asked a question?
Climbing the Change Ladder – The Four Stages of Competence
Change is not a light switch. We don’t flick the switch and declare ourselves fully entrenched in our new behaviors or thoughts. Change is a lot more like climbing a staircase.
Whether you’re working on an organizational change program or making a personal change in your life or leadership, we all climb the same staircase.
Unconscious Incompetence
Conscious Incompetence
Conscious Competence
Unconscious Competence
Bottom line is that you will never change what you’re unaware that you’re doing.
If you are a chronic or even periodical upspeaker but have no idea, you’re on the first step. You may be sabotaging your confidence and authority and have no idea you’re doing it. As soon as you develop awareness, you’re already on step two. That’s when the hard work kicks in – developing new habits and creating lasting change.
The Way You Communicate Establishes Your Leadership Presence
Your voice expresses your confidence and authority and determines your leadership presence. Do not sabotage your career prospects by convincing yourself it’s acceptable, or you’ve always used upspeak, and nobody told you to stop.
If you are ready to step more fully into your confidence and authority, the staircase is there for you to climb. Be prepared, it’s unlikely to be a sprint, but it’s worth taking the first step.
Wonderful post Alli! I never really used the term “Upspeak” but what you share truly can derail our presentations and even everyday communication. Expressing ourselves with confidence shows others that we believe in what we are saying. When I am confident about what I am sharing I speak clearly, loud enough for everyone to hear and have modulation in my tone. I can always tell when someone is unsure of what they are presenting.
Thanks and will share!
Was interesting doing some research into upspeak. There has been a lot of debate if more women do it than men and research has shown it’s about equal at this time. There are also movies that probably influenced some generational uptake of upspeak like Clueless. There are also some countries where it is more common than others. It can hold people back professionally regardless of prevalence because people will sense doubt, or just be annoyed by the bad habit. When we want to be perceived as experts, it’s critical to develop an awareness of our voice and how that impacts other’s experiences of us and what we have to say. Sounds like you’d make an excellent voice coach for leaders and aspiring speakers!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Alli
YES YES YES Alli. I have heard this pattern in many that I have coached over the years and you hit this topic straight on. Then as you extend that one behavior pattern to the broader topic of conscious competence you dig into the very issue of personal identity and how it can sabotage what you “think” are your career goals.
Great post ….. will share online for sure.
Kate
Wow. Your comment has me thinking… and a future post may be brewing! Personal identity and how it can sabotage what you think are your career goals. So much in that one sentence.
As a consultant, coach, and speaker, you know how important the use of voice is to communicate with confidence, competence, and clarity. Stepping forward as an authority means we shouldn’t leave people thinking we’re asking questions instead of sharing expertise.
Many thanks, Kate!
Alli
“Your voice expresses your confidence and authority and determines your leadership presence.” That’s it, in nutshell. There is much to be learned from listening to yourself as well as getting feedback from others. In addition to “upspeak” which I have heard in others for years but didn’t know that’s what it was called, there is tone, volume, variance, cadence, clarity, as well as confidence, competence, and courage, all of which can be vocally expressed. How about nuance? Emotions?
As we travel, we listen to a lot of audiobooks and I marvel at the talent of some of the readers. Our most recent, enjoyable one was “Camino Island” by John Grisham, read by January LaVoy. I would not have heard all those voices in my head if I had read it quietly. Interesting, yes?
All of it matters! Yes! Understanding the way our voice conveys our message is important and if not making the desired impact, we can learn to change the way we express ourselves.
I have not listened to audiobooks in a very long time. However, I used to commute from Northern Virginia to just outside of Philadelphia each week and always had an audiobook during the drive. I can remember how some of the readers were so expressive and pulled me in right away. Others, had voices so distracting that I gave up on the audiobook and picked up a good old paperback at a later time.
Thanks for your addition to the conversation here, Gary!
Alli
Thanks for the lesson on “upspeak.” Like others, I didn’t know what it was called but I agree that it automatically makes the speaker sound as though they need to be validated in some way, or given assurance that they know what they’re doing. The tip that really resonated with me was “record yourself speaking.” I actually stood in front of a video to record not only voice, but body movements. It was an eye-opener! I often started my sentences with “I think,” but a leader needs to sound more confident than that. Instead of “I think,” start sentences with definitive statements about a topic or situation. It makes a person sound more authoritative and makes a bigger impact.
Great post and will share!
Thanks, LaRae! I admit, I have never recorded a video of myself speaking but I have heard audios. It’s amazing what we can pick up when we watch or listen to a recording vs our real-time experience. I know a few people with habits of saying “I think” Or “Umm” or “You know” in front of their sentences. I’d like to think I don’t have similar habits but that’s why we record and ask for feedback etc. Great suggestion on the use of “I think” too. Some people may believe that’s less aggressive but it actually steals their authority when overused.
Thanks!
Alli