Ever notice when someone tells you that their food is terrible, they ask you if you want to taste it? Evidently, they want to share the gross experience with you.
When I was in college, my boyfriend and I went out on a date to a local restaurant. It should have been a sign to immediately leave when we noticed that nobody else was eating there that night… but it wasn’t.
I ordered a burger, and it was awful. Not bad, or not to my taste, but totally rancid and inedible.
My boyfriend was taking the class “How to Win Friends and Influence People” based on the Dale Carnegie book and told me he’d handle it.
He waved our waiter over to the table.
He said something like:
(Starting with a smile) “We’re having a great night and really appreciate your service. My girlfriend’s burger is rancid.You’d be our hero if we could take it off the bill since she’s not going to eat it.”
Without hesitation, the waiter picked up my plate and took a bite of my burger.
“You’re right. It’s awful.”
Twenty-five years later, I remember this moment like it was yesterday.
I’m not an expert on Dale Carnegie, but in the years since the burger incident, I’ve had numerous businesses treat me like the guy who bit my burger. They didn’t take my word for it; they wanted to test my complaint out for themselves. Effectively they said, “I can’t believe you but am willing to go the extra mile to prove you right” (or wrong.)
My gut tells me that most businesses and leaders who fall into the “It’s not that I don’t believe you” trap do think that they’re being helpful. Unfortunately, most people just want their issue resolved or get additional support, not to run through a 1000 point checklist to confirm if they are a numbskull or not.
Think about it. What do these stores and stories have in common?
Zappos has a generous 365-day return policy (as long as you don’t wear them) It lets you be the decision maker with what will or won’t work for you.
I saw some guy return an open pack of muffins to Costco because “they got moldy super fast.”
A leader I worked for asked if we should respond to an RFP that would expand our portfolio. After research and reflection, my answer was no. He stood by me, defended the choice to others who disagreed, and we didn’t go after the work.
Imagine working for a leader who said…
Really? You can’t track down the information? I’ll get it. (only to discover that it’s not available.)
What? You can’t build the spreadsheet to calculate what we need? Give it to my EA. (only to discover it’s harder than originally suspected.)
Seriously? This isn’t brain surgery. I’ll find someone else to run with it. (overlooking that you’re on the right path.)
Can you hear the doubt? Contempt? Even if the leader didn’t mean it that way, it’s often how it lands. If you want to avoid being an “It’s Not That I Don’t Believe You” leader, you’ve got to lead with some humility and vulnerability. If you’re not perfect, you can give the space for the people on your team to show up with their imperfections too yet still give the work 100% effort.
How to Avoid “It’s Not That I Don’t Believe You” Leadership:
1) Have an open door
2) Ask questions to seek understanding not to poke a hole (mindset)
3) Stop assuming that you know best
4) Allow for other people to be right
5) Listen without formulating a response
6) Trust (this is a tough one for many)
7) Support (not by taking back the work)
8) Be a roadblock buster, not traffic cop who turns people away
9) Mentor
10) Ask the most important question a leader can ask: How can I help?
BONUS: Have their backs. That’s a leader who we’d all like on our side!
All these years later I can’t remember if my boyfriend and I finished our meal or if the item was taken off of our bill. I do remember the doubt that the waiter had about our concern and his crazy bite.
Don’t be that waiter. Don’t chomp on rancid meat – try leading with trust instead.
Alli,
Don’t take the bite; trust instead. Very good advice. Also, when these situations arise, it can also serve as a conversation starter to collaborate on other ways to overcome the challenge or take a different path. Through the conversation, greater trust is built in the working relationship.
Thanks!
Jon
Great addition, Jon. When we talk to each other instead of defaulting to fix-it mode, our relationships deepen. That’s the foundation for trust.
Thanks!
Alli
Hi Alli,
Great post. I reflected on the number of times I have heard or experienced “It’s Not That I Don’t Believe You” Leadership. Each and every time, that leadership technique had consequences that were not favorable for the person nor the team.
I can still see the face of a colleague who had been the victim once again of our leader who embraced this style. As we were leaving the staff meeting, my colleague turned to me and said softly, “He can have at it. Amazing he knows so much about how to do my job.”
After that incident, he was a different colleague – less engaged, less vocal, less inspired. He went through the motions, manufacturing energy each day to do a job he was once passionate about doing.
“It’s Not That I Don’t Want to Believe Yo” Leadership can have serious consequences, and your 10 tips to avoid being that kind of leader are spot. Everyone wants to matter and employing your tips says loud and clear “you matter.”
Will share.
Terri
Terri,
Thanks so much for bringing this post to life. It’s a leadership style that’s absolutely demoralizing because it not only causes frustration but also incredibly disempowering. I’m sorry to hear that your colleague was changed by the encounter. Hopefully, they’ve found a new home or a new leader where they can flourish.
Grateful for your insight!
Alli
Building a level of trust is the the foundation for all leadership and team success. I once had a co-worker who constantly judged my every action. She would try to undo what I did just to try to prove her superiority. It was very frustrating and when she reached out to me later in my career I ignored her. I could never trust her.
Great post, Alli and will share!
Working with a peer who consistently tried to undo your work sounds painful. The fact that your way was not acceptable and the only viable approach was her own tells us a lot about her. It’s clear why, even years later, a relationship with her was not in the cards. Actions tell a story and we need to hear it.
Thanks, Terri!
You’re absolutely right on about these types of bosses and your list of suggestions should be obvious to all leaders; but of course they’re not.
Two thoughts: Being the devil’s advocate for a moment, I wonder if some leaders aren’t just a little calloused by those direct reports who are always dedicated to ‘playing the game?’ You know – let me make the restaurant uneasy about their food, because I can… Of course, it’s still the best approach to not question ‘in public,’ though makes great sense to check it out later in private.
The second thought is wondering if there’s anything one can do with regard to those playing the games. If it’s an employee that’s seeking to avoid work, there’s dismissal and/or at least no rewards. But what about that person who’s always finding fault with everything possible? Their actions and words can cause harm to others; AND they are in a downward spiral: getting their jollies by trashing others has to motivate them to do more of the same. Can we / should we seek to help them? Indeed, is it appropriate to even explore their actions with them?
John,
You raise a bunch of good points here. There are definitely people who “play the game” and punch holes in your (and my) good work because they think pushing someone else down makes them look better. When I was an executive, I wasn’t fooled and knew exactly who those people were.
Your second point reminds me of a piece I wrote a few years ago. The person you’re describing sounds like a negativity carrier… you may find this one interesting: http://breaktheframe.com/are-you-a-negativity-carrier-or-the-antidote/
Many thanks!!
Alli
Thanks for sharing the post from your archives! As we’ve agreed often, we always have a choice! Great suggestions to turn the negativity carrier into a positive contributor.
I smiled and nodded my head as I read this post Alli. I’ve witnessed this over and over when I was the customer and also as a leadership consultant.
GREAT post.
Kate
Far too common. Thankful that you are out there working with organizations to lead the change!
Many thanks, Kate!
Alli
What a great story, Alli! When I was younger, I was very much the “I don’t believe you” sort of leader. I think my lack of experience contributed to this behavior because I didn’t know how to read people…were they shirking their duty? trying to make me look bad? Over time I’ve become much more confidence in my ability to communicate with others…knowing which people to trust is a skill—one of the most important for a leader.
Love this and will share 🙂
Thanks, LaRae! People reading is a skill that everyone, in leadership or not, should cultivate. When we can interpret others actions, we can mindfully change our own.
PS. You’re Awesome.
Alli
Alli,
Terrific and some of the best “customer service” is based on these principles and practices. My wife prefers to shop with businesses whose return policy does not question her reasons for returning something. They believe her from the get-go. I prefer not to shop. That said I do some of our grocery shopping and here was my experience with one store and its supplier company. Fortunately I had time to pursue the problem to the source and although the end response was a bit of tokenism, I don’t go back to that grocery given their willingness to keep selling bad stuff.
http://garygruber.com/brief-experience-in-customer-disservice/