The question was innocuous enough, but the response was telling. “How’s work?”
Typically, I’ll either get a nothing response that suggests that we should find another topic or I’ll get some scoop. Scoop too can take two different paths: Awesome or Awful.
It’s when the scoop comes out that I learn the most about someone’s leadership.
This time I asked and got an earful of awesome. Still, as the story went on, it was clear that one person was more remarkable than the rest: my friend.
Now, I too think that they’re amazing and capable of great things but to listen to them, you’d think that they worked alone. In truth, it was kind of annoying. I had insight into the work they were doing and let me assure you, their effort was essential but not paramount to the contribution of others.
Pronouns and Your Leadership Language
When we talk about ourselves and our colleagues, without giving it much thought, we use pronouns to identify the relevant parties. The pronouns we choose also recognize a contribution and define relationships. It’s our default leadership language that gives the biggest ahas.
Here’s when I invite you to imagine two scenarios:
- You’re invited into the CEO’s office to present an update – you go alone
- Your team comes with you when you head to the CEO’s office for the update
Consider:
Is there a difference in your leadership language?
Does it matter if your team is there with you or you’re flying solo?
What if you’re talking about a win vs. a loss? How does your language change?
What leadership language does your boss use as their default?
They Leadership
“They got it done.”
This leader loves to give credit to the team. In fact, often they’ll take a back seat even when explicitly asked about their contribution. They are humble to the max.
Working for a “They Leader”
Positive: You feel like your contribution is valued and acknowledged.
Negative: Senior leadership may underestimate their contribution and value.
Negative: Especially when things go wrong, They Leaders create distance between the leader and the contribution of the team. (It was them, not me)
I Leadership
“I did this”
“I couldn’t have done it without them.”
This leader may or may not realize that their “I” is making the team and their contribution fade into the background. Even when there’s an acknowledgment of the team, the I Leader stands as primary in importance and contribution. This leadership language suggests a need to be validated as the hero.
Working for an “I Leader“
Positive: They are often confident and hopefully equally competent.
Positive: When things go wrong, the I Leader takes responsibility and also protects the team.
Negative: There’s often limited credit where credit is due, which negatively impacts morale and employee engagement.
We Leadership
“We did this.”
We’re in it together, and everyone’s contribution matters. We Leaders don’t hold themselves as above the team but as part of the team.
Working for a “We Leader“
Positive: Team and leader are a single unit, working together.
Negative: In challenging times, some leaders default to “we” to hide or minimize their personal contribution to the team’s struggles.
Negative: Sometimes, the leader’s contribution was worthless, and they use “we” to take credit for success where not much credit is due.
There is no one perfect, “always use this” solution to your leadership language when it comes to I, We or They. All have positives and negatives depending on the circumstances. Super insight, right? Not really.
Here’s what matters: The best leaders have self-awareness and are intentional about the words they choose.
Defaults are the problem. An issue? “They” is the go-to. Great success? All “I.” That’s the problem.
Be a person who elevates others and their contributions AND takes responsibility for the way you position yourself too. It’s ok to acknowledge your extraordinary effort, just don’t forget about the others who did outstanding work as well.
Oh, and when the “how’s work?” question isn’t so awesome, and is veering towards the awful, don’t forget to be honest and intentional with your leadership language then too.
There will be times when each of the three pronouns (‘they’, ‘we’, ‘I’) will be appropriate – whether the team is present or not. [I’d add that the “team” need not be a formal team (as organized with a designated leader); in my self-labeled Personal Servant Leadership concept, we’re often dealing with informal teams. Indeed, even leaders of formal teams frequently engage with informal teams in developing plans for their leadership of formal teams – e.g., the coaches, colleagues, mentors, … whose advice and feedback they value. (I am hopeful this added thinking is helping and not confusing / muddling.)]
To me, the key is the open, honest, and frank dialogue among the team – formal or informal – PRIOR to the meeting in the CEO’s office (your example) or any other time that the team efforts are discussed. I firmly believe that this dialogue will have two consequences: (1) The team members including leader – actual or informal / organizing – will be fully aware of which pronoun is appropriate in identifying the source. And (2) when whichever pronoun is used in the meeting, likely the correct / acceptable / agreeable one will be used; and, if it’s not, whether in the meeting or after it concludes, a calm conversation about the choice of pronoun will happen – with agreed-upon corrections offered, as appropriate.
Such a fascinating dialogue Alli! I have always wanted my bosses to be inclusive and give out credit when it was warranted. I love your line: ” Be a person who elevates others and their contributions AND takes responsibility for the way you position yourself too.” I think that sums up the best approach for leaders at any level. Ownership and taking responsibility for our actions and decisions will always serve us and our teams well.
Thanks and will share!
I, me, my, mine. You. He. She. It. We, You,(pl) They. Do you remember declining pronouns? Leaning present, past and future tenses? And more?
I do. There are seven classes of pronouns but three that stand out as the main categories of pronouns, especially in Latin: personal pronouns (“I, you [singular], he, she, it, we, you [plural] and they”), demonstrative pronouns (“this, that, these, those”) and relative pronouns (“who, which”). I had no idea then how important these “personal pronouns” would become later. Suffice to say, that the language we use makes a huge difference in what and how we communicate, how I communicate, how you communicate. And you, my friend, do it so well. Thank you!