It happens all the time: Drama. It starts as a small whirl of kicked up dust and evolves into a tornado, sucking up all the energy and people in its path.
Why do so many people choose to stay with the chaos? It’s because getting out of the way would mean choosing to be on the outside while everyone you know is caught up in the storm. It’s hard to walk away, especially when it looks like they’re enjoying the madness. From the inside, it doesn’t feel like a twister, but, in fact, that’s what it is.
Workplace Drama Looks a Lot Like Teen Drama
Forget workplace drama for a sec, it starts in high school or even middle school. Everyone talks about everything. They get worked up about it, obsess over it, and let the drama dominate every waking moment until one day, it’s forgotten, or boring, or just over.
Over the past few weeks, we’ve seen the power of the drama tornado at our house.
Our daughter ran into our room as we were falling asleep.
“You’ll never guess what’s happening,” she insisted.
I turned back on the light so she could breathlessly tell her tale.
“I’m getting fake calls from someone with an unknown number.”
Um. Ok. Stop answering the phone or block them.
“All of my friends are getting calls from this person.”
So you should all block them.
“Everyone’s talking about it on Snapchat.”
Yeah. Probably even the person making the calls is talking about it on Snapchat. Enjoying the drama they’ve created.
“You think so?”
I do.
Ten minutes later she’s back…
“I’m freaked out. The person asked if I like the glow from the blue lights in my room. Do you think they can see me?”
That’s what happens when you watch one too many horror movies. No, they see your blue light on your snaps. Block the caller.
“Who could it be?”
Look at who they’re calling. Who would have all of those phone numbers? Who knows all of those people?
“I really want to know who it is. We’re all still talking about it. It’s a girl with an accent none of us recognize.”
Ever hear of an app that can block caller ID and change someone’s voice? I’ll bet I can find one in five minutes.
“I’ve got to go. My Snapchat is blowing up about this.”
Have fun.
Three things were clear:
- She didn’t come and tell me because she wanted a solution.
- It was kind of exciting being a part of something that was supposedly troublesome.
- Belonging beat annoying.
What Do Crank Calls Have to Do with Workplace Drama?
When I worked inside organizations, some of the managers who reported to me were self-proclaimed drama enthusiasts. They got bored when everything was going to plan. They liked to be in the middle of a mess and feel the swirl of energy.
Unfortunately, seeking out drama often meant creating it where there was none. You’ve probably heard the phrase “mountains out of molehills.” That’s what drama seekers create. They love it because it keeps them invested and engaged in a way that the day-to-day does not.
Let’s quickly differentiate someone who gets sucked in and someone who starts the dust storm. The people who think they need the drama to thrive are often the creators. The best way to take power out of the storm is for everyone else to stop playing along.
7 Must-dos to Stop the Drama
As a leader, parent, or teacher, you can’t stop the drama by telling people to let it go. I think we all wish it was that easy. It doesn’t mean you’re powerless.
Plant a seed.
I gave my daughter advice and that night; she didn’t take it. It doesn’t mean my suggestions were forgotten but that a seed was planted. Help people consider the alternatives that could end the problem and invite solutions.
Remain logical and calm.
When there’s drama, people are not behaving in logical ways, it’s emotional. If you escalate to match their intensity, you’re going off track. It’s time to help them take a deep breath, not amplify the distress.
Offer Support.
They’re worked up over whatever’s happening, and you should acknowledge the situation and what they’re experiencing. “I can tell this is a big issue. Here are some ideas…” Or, simply, “How can I help?” Just because you’re not a fan of drama doesn’t mean the issue isn’t real, and you should dismiss the urgency or stress that they’re feeling.
Give them time to make a better choice.
Yes, you want to stop the drama – now. However, when you give direction, you often expect it to be followed immediately. People need a moment to wrap up what they’re doing before executing your plan or request. The same goes for dealing with drama. It’s not a faucet that gets turned on or off, it takes a moment to stop the flow.
Let the drama die instead of feeding the storm.
If you bring it up the next day, the following day, and the day after that, you’re feeding the drama. You’re showing them that it’s worth time and energy. It’s ok to ask for an update without asking for a dissertation. Remain aware if you need to intervene without getting consumed.
Refocus.
A key tactic that works at the office and with children as young as preschool is to refocus their attention. A little kid cries because their favorite blanket is in the wash. What do you do? Draw their attention to something else. At work, people want to be needed, engaged, and have a purpose. Refocus your drama lover and show them somewhere else that needs their time and attention.
Consequences.
If you can’t stop the drama obsession, there are consequences. Ultimately, with drama front and center, other things will suffer including clients, the work, and the team. Before it gets to that, there must be consequences for the individual.
“We are free to choose our actions,… but we’re not free to choose the consequences of those actions.”
Stephen Covey
A week after the initial crank calls that had my daughter and her 20 nearest and dearest freaking out on Snapchat, she casually mentioned to me that they started again.
“It’s no biggie, though. I’ve muted their number so they won’t bother me anymore.”
Good girl.
Drama dies when we move on.
What have you done to stop the drama creators in your life and work? Do you allow yourself to get sucked in every time?
Drama in both our personal and professional lives can be exhausting and frustrating. I love all your strategies to face it straight on. I have found that trying to stick to the issues at hand and trying to keep emotions at bay can be helpful. Recently I dealt with 2 people on a team who couldn’t agree. We worked through the solution by asking: “How might we…?” Creative brainstorming. And it is true, as with your daughter, it may not seem like they are listening but they do hear. Thanks Alli and will share!
It’s like with coaching, a lot happens in the sessions but so much of the work, real change, and assimilating the information happens between the sessions. We need to create an environment for people to not only hear us but to make new choices. Sounds like your discussion with the people who couldn’t agree was the start of opening them to new possibilities. Some people love drama because it makes them feel needed and as if they’re on a mission. There are other ways to feel that and create shared success. Thanks for sharing your experience, Terri!
Alli
Hilarious! Still laughing and then, of course, there’s the serious side. Your best response? Let it go! Amazing what happens when you stop responding or send a response, which is what I do when I get an unknown caller, “I’ll call you later.” Most often that text can’t be sent because it’s one of the hackers numbers. Maybe the question could be, what do you want out of this drama? Entertainment? Intrigue and mystery? And yes this: “Let the drama die without feeding the storm.” Take away the reinforcement and it extinguishes rather quickly. Secretly I love some telemarketer calls so I can ask them ridiculous questions, like can I have your home number so I can call you during your dinner hour? That’s usually a hang up for sure.
Great post, Alli! We’ve all experienced that person who thrives on drama, whether at home or work. They feed on emotions; unfortunately not the best emotions. I’ve found that ignoring the person and the drama they bring with them is a good way to choke their toxicity. However, when the person is someone on your team you can’t ignore, I look for patterns in the way they resort to drama to get attention. Whether it’s insecurity, or wanting to be the center of attention, or even paranoia, if I can get to the root of the problem it gives me insight in how to beat the dragon back into the cave.