Most people have a flawed assumption that their challenges at work and home are so unique that no one else could ever understand. Sure, maybe they’d sympathize but empathize? No way. As a result, they push down their worries, fears, concerns, hopes, dreams, and insights as if it’s their secret burden to bear. Sound familiar?
We never talk to each other about the things that are keeping us up at night and then tell ourselves we’re alone.
In our minds, we convince ourselves that our situations are different, worse, better than everyone else. We isolate ourselves by choice for fear that we’re right and everyone is going to judge us. However, when we finally open up, something remarkable happens, we discover we’re not alone after all.
Just last week a friend shared some of her concerns about her child over lunch. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this especially when it probably isn’t normal,” she said. That’s when the unexpected news came her way… everyone else had been through something similar. We were all nodding because it mirrored our experience too. We discovered at that moment that our children were not flawed beings but simply human beings.
It’s funny how many people fear being vulnerable no matter how times we hear about the power of vulnerability. Why is that? Why do we read the books and watch the TED Talk yet still only show the world that we have our shit together? We’re on the right track. Have the answers. We’re successful, happy and well-adjusted. We got it going on.
It can be terrifying to go first.
Will you share your most vulnerable self only to have everyone blankly stare at you and say, “No. I can’t relate at all.” Unlikely. Still, it takes a moment of bravery to be the one who’s willing to take the risk and share their truth.
Vulnerability takes strength and courage.
When you share your vulnerability with others, it’s courageous. It’s inspiring. It’s what the world needs – people who are unafraid to live a life that’s not bound by constantly projecting the illusion of perfection. Let it be you who leads the way.
[Tweet “Instead of pretending your life is worry-free, will you lead the way with vulnerability?”]
Stress and worry are universal.
We live in a world of worriers. No, worry alone can’t change outcomes but it does wear you down. You begin to feel like Atlas bearing the weight of the world. In your sphere of worry, you become so fixated on the weight that you miss opportunities to lighten your load.
Vulnerability creates connection.
Like my friend who shared her truth, she discovered connection and support, and it’s there for you too. No one can empathize or connect with perfection; it only serves to make others go deeper into their own shells, hiding the parts that cause them pain, joy, and fear. Parts of themselves that you know all too well.
[Tweet “Vulnerability isn’t a liability. It’s the way humans create connection.”]
Start small.
You don’t have to get up in front of an auditorium or at the next team meeting and pour your heart out. Grab a coffee with one other person and let your guard down. Say what you’re afraid to say out loud because if you do, then it’s true.
Give your brain a break.
Your brain’s job is to keep you safe, but it doesn’t always make the best choices for you. Your brain may tell you that you really are alone, your issues are extreme, people will scrutinize you and even worse, dismiss you. Not true. You need to make the leap despite the fear response.
If you don’t want to say it, write it.
Looking eye to eye with someone can be enough to make you want to stay quiet, keep your less than perfect bits and doubts to yourself. However, there are people out there longing to hear what you have to share. Write it in a note, a blog, email, by hand, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes the words you need to say flow better from your head to your fingers than to your lips.
We all spend so much time thinking about our own lives and circumstances that we miss the opportunity to connect with people who are going through the same. We need to support each other, not isolate ourselves.
What about you? How has vulnerability changed your life? … or are you still hiding?
Hi Alli,
In this post you have taken on a very challenging topic. At least in American society, the word vulnerability has unfortunately been connected with weakness.
Because of that people feel fear (as you noted) and also the challenge of stepping forward and leading a cultural change. Perhaps that is where they can illustrate that to show vulnerability is to show strength.
One important lesson I learned over the years, is to use your observation and/or intuition to assess who is ready to receive your vulnerability with respect. By this I mean, who will honor it as a strength and not take advantage of it.
Oh boy, I feel a blog post coming on and I will credit you and this post as inspiration for it.
You’ve done it again Alli. You inspire in so many ways.
Kate
I agree with you, Kate. The concept of vulnerability can be taken to an extreme. In truth, I share parts of myself with different people. Not everyone is ready for our rawness nor is it always useful. There are times as leaders we need to protect others and times to bravely take down those walls. Look forward to reading your take.
Alli
Such a thought-provoking post Alli. So many of us have learned that being vulnerable isn’t the best way to present ourselves. However, like you, I share my challenges with people to help me cope better and learn. I also feel like a burden has been lifted when I am able to ask others about their experiences with a particular problem I may be facing.
The thing for me is finding a level of trust in someone before opening up. That is the trickiest.
Thanks and will definitely share!
Trust is key, Terri. We can’t just open ourselves up willy-nilly and hope that it was a good choice. Trust is definitely the foundation. It’s tricky, if we never allow ourselves to be vulnerable because we’re unwilling to trust anyone we’re ultimately destined for a lonely life.
Appreciate you and your insights on this.
xo,
Alli
Two words jumped out when I read this blog post, Alli: Vulnerability of course and Perfection. Rather than exposing our vulnerability, we CHOOSE to project an image based upon perfection. What’s fundamentally flawed with this? Two thoughts come to mind: First, everyone understands (or should) that perfection is at best an idealistic goal – one that helps provide direction and motivation even, but of course cannot ever be achieved. Second, for those who most likely would respond and react positively to our being forthcoming regarding out vulnerability, our claims of perfection only distance them from us – because those claims have no believability!
Consider the one claiming perfection. That individual, thus isolating herself /himself from others, has the ‘double responsibility’ of dealing with the individual issues requiring attention AND dealing with the maintain the falsehood of perfection – ALONE!
Contrast that with sharing our vulnerability. Immediately, the burden of maintaining the perfection falsehood is lifted. AND, almost guaranteed, the support / help generated through the credibility from the shared vulnerability will assist with our efforts. This becomes win-win of course as the connection(s) made generate our mutual support / help for the others.
For me, the CHOICE seems so obvious … Thanks, Alli, for another blog post deserving each of our careful Considerations.
John,
I’m with you on the win-win! You’ve outlined it well here… at some point, we need to make the choice. By never sharing our vulnerability we’re still making a choice to put our game face on to the world and struggle alone.
Even making that connection with a single individual can be life-changing. Also, over time, the person (or people) who we choose to be most vulnerable with can change over time as we grow and they do too.
Truly grateful for your insights and your shared passion for the power of choice!
Alli
That whole thing about going first? It’s scary as hell! No one wants to be vulnerable and then left bleeding when no one comes to the rescue. Thanks for such a timely topic…we’ve all been there! You’ve given your readers some great tips but the one that resonated most with me was…start small. I do this in all relationships: start small and watch for reactions. If I’m vulnerable in the small things and the other person responds in a way that is appropriate, I feel I can be vulnerable in the more important things as well. I often “share” something and then wait to see if it gets around. If it does, I know I can’t trust that person….
It’s the FBI agent in you… and something we can all learn from. We don’t need to “go big or go home” when it comes to vulnerability. Starting somewhere is key. Trust takes time to grow. Also, as you pointed out, sometimes it needs time to wither.
Thanks, LaRae!
Alli
Shit is seldom together which is why we call it that and when we’re not “together” and we may be most “vulnerable” is actually when we may have the best opportunities for sorting it out. Life is messy sometimes and when you you can share it, make a good connection, as you say so clearly, then we have the best chance of finding a way through and come out on the other side better and stronger. Thanks for your insights, understanding and encouragements. All greatly appreciated in so many ways as we work our way through whatever we think might be the obstacle du jour.
First of all, you rock.
Ok, now that we’re clear on that…
Yes, life is messy – for all of us. Giving others a peek at our mess doesn’t always end well nor does it always end poorly. What it always does is show that we’re human and definitely not superhuman and that’s something we all have in common.
Thanks, Gary.
Alli
Thanks! I don’t think of myself as much of a “rocker” but I’ll take it. I’m older than Mick Jagger and Keith Richards! And they still rock too.
I’ve wanted to share something else in this context of “Break the Frame” as it keeps itching at me and I think I know why. I don’t know why you chose that name but it fits so well with going beyond what are often perceived as self-imposed limits. I also love your “blue-sky innovator” description. Have you ever tried to answer a kid’s question about why the sky is blue? Or why the ocean is salty? What’s fun is learning together and exploring more of why this or why that and why not?