Recently, my family and I travelled to Melbourne for a long weekend and enjoyed the museums, restaurants and even the bitterly cold weather. As a souvenir of our trip, we purchased our children small gifts at one museum shop; some beautiful geodes for our daughter and a toy James Bond M16 Lotus for our son. When we got back to the hotel room, our son tore open his present and discovered that it would not come out of the box without a screwdriver. I tried using a few things in my travel kit to loosen the screws but it was not meant to be. We explained to him he’d just have to be patient until we were home in a few days.
My son is always full of ideas and started making suggestions:
– What about nail clippers?
– A Q-tip?
– Paperclip?
– I know! Let’s just go ask for a screwdriver at the front desk!
We told him, “No, they won’t have one” and to hang in there for just a few more days. Before we knew it he was gone, out of the room and our key card was missing too. Five minutes later he reappeared, car in hand and a smile on his face.
“See? All you had to do is ask,” he told us as he joyfully zoomed his new car around the room.
How many times have you wanted something or needed something but didn’t want to ask anyone for help?
What’s Stopping You From Asking?
Fear that you’ll look foolish
It’s more foolish to sit and suffer than ask for what you need. It takes 20 seconds of bravery to suck it up and ask, if you get a “no” you’ll know that you tried and nobody looks foolish for trying.
Don’t want to appear needy
It’s cool to have it all under control, right? To never need help from anyone else because you’re a do-it-all kind of person; Wonder Woman and Superman have nothing on you. Asking for what you need isn’t needy, it’s smart. (Click to Tweet) Asking for what you need to move things forward is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Worried you’ll be a bother
How much would it stink if you were annoying – interrupting someone else’s day because you need something. Really? Let’s think about that for a second. Is it annoying when someone comes to you because they need something and you might have it? Information, a screwdriver, notes from today’s meeting… if you have it, I know you’ll always happily share it. Others will do the same but they are not mind-readers. ASK.
Feeling Lazy?
Sometimes you just don’t feel like asking because if you get the “yes,” it means you’ll need to take action. It also means that you’ll need to hustle, get up and get into motion. If it’s laziness that’s stopping you from asking for what you need, take a beat to ask yourself: How important is this to me? Does it matter?
You can get what you want by asking for what you need. (Click to Tweet)
Nothing was going to stop my son and watching his confidence and courage was inspiring. To him, it mattered enough to make any made-up reason to not ask just fall away. He was a terrific reminder that if you ask, you may just get what you want. Don’t ask? Hope you’re satisfied with the way things are today because nothing’s changing fast.
Have the courage to go for it! Your time is now.
So… what’s stopping you from asking for what you need?
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Hi Alli, your post made me smile when you told your son to “be patient for a few days” – right!
If we want something badly enough we are willing to put aside all those perceived fears/phobias and ask for what we want.
Great story –
Best regards,
Carl
@SparktheAction
Glad you laughed, Carl! My son didn’t think it was very funny at all.
No matter if we’re in a store and don’t see what we want or need a screwdriver for a toy, he asks. He figures why not instead of buying into all of the excuses that the rest of us throw in our own way.
Thanks, Carl!
Great story to highlight an important thing to do, Alli. Asking for help seems challenging at time yet it is so silly that we don’t do it. Most people are willing to pitch in and help out.
Growing up on a farm, each farmer was very independent. However, if one farmer was having a challenging time with something, others jumped in to help. Doing this was just natural. We need to understand the natural nature of giving and receiving help.
Thanks! Jon
It is silly that we stop ourselves from asking for what we want because the way we want people to see us trumps getting what we need to be successful.
Appreciate your story about growing up on a farm. Being in a community is supporting each other whether it’s virtual, in our offices, homes or anywhere else.
Thanks, Jon!
Alli,
Great post. Recently on Halloween I had a similar story. My Daughter who is 9 had a long sad face as we were moving from home to home trick or treating. I asked here severely times if she was ok and she said yes. I knew she was hiding some true feelings. Finally she looked at me and said Daddy I wanted to be in the costume contest. I said why didn’t you tell me. Here words I didn’twant to bother you. Unfortunately the contest was over. We sat and talked and I explained I would have taken her and that if you don’t ask I can’t know. Next year we will go. And she is learning to ask.
Thanks for the post.
Tom
Tom – your story really touches my heart. I’m grateful that you shared it here. I’m so glad that she shared with you what was really going on and you could have that conversation. I’m sure it is one that will be with her for many years to come.
With thanks ~
Alli
The power of the “ASK.” Great post, Alli.
Right on, Joy! Never to be underestimated.
Thanks so much!
Enjoyed this Alli, made me smile.
We were fortunate enough (here at Bromford) to be in the company of Paul Lindley – found and CEO of Ella’s Kitchen – who gave us a wonderful presentation and great insight into the success of his business. He drew on the lessons we can learn from our children and one of those ‘nuggets’ for me was:
“To be child-like and not child-ish in your work: have fun and be creative!”
Cheers,
Andy Johnson
@andyjatbromford
Andy,
Thank you for sharing that fantastic lesson! I learn a tremendous amount about leadership and business success from my children. Watching the way they approach the world, work and play definitely inspires me to rethink my own actions.
A sincere thanks for sharing here and adding so much to the conversation, Andy!
Your blog was sent to me today by a wise mentor who is also working at Calgary Reads with our staff and board. His role is to provoke and gently remind us all to be BOLD and ask. Today we are taking a big leap and starting a Pledge to Read campaign… your words and his nudging have inspired a small but mighty team to seek screwdrivers!
Steacy – You’ve made my day! I looked at your website and LOVE the work that you’re doing. We’ve been working with our children to not only become competent readers but future adults that love reading. If they don’t understand what they’re reading, or the book is (gasp) boring we want them to be bold and speak up and ask for clarification and for books that connect to their hearts.
I’m thrilled that your team is out there asking for your screwdrivers! 🙂
Best,
Alli
Asking for help can be so difficult. I dread doing it because I often don’t want other people to feel obligated to do things that they might not have the time to do. Also, I sometimes worry what their response might be and I guess I protect myself.
Maybe by not personalizing the asking too much or giving it perspective in case we get a “no” is the healthiest.
Thanks Alli! Loved the post and I am proud of your son!!
Terri – I can definitely connect with the self-protection. Love the idea of shifting perspective and reframing the potential “no.” You have left me with many thoughts swirling in my mind and for that I’m grateful.
I’m proud of him too 🙂
Thanks, Terri!
Great post Alli.
There’s so much underlying this topic for many of us. Bottom line is this: it will take FAR longer for us to reach our goals and achieve what we want if we are afraid to ask for it (reach for it, work for it etc). At the same time, even when we learn assertiveness, there is no guarantee that we will get what we want. (since we have no ‘true’ control over the free will of another unless by force) The best we can do is set our intentions, align as much of our lives to our true values/needs/wants as we can (and this doesn’t generally happen all at once in every area of our lives) recognizing that the only parts of life we have control over are our own choices/actions.
I know for me personally, it can be hard to ask for help when we have double standards in our culture. We may SAY and tell people to ask for help when they need it, yet society often punishes people for needing help. It’s one of the facets of the multi-faceted problem we have with wearing masks and being honest with people.
If people don’t know they can ask for help, they won’t. If people have been punished too many times in the past for needing help and reaching out, the less likely they will in the present. If ‘help’ has ever been attached to invisible strings used to manipulate and control, asking for help will be a challenge for people.
So for those with deep challenges in asking for help, it does take a program and long term commitment to learn assertiveness and to separate from the asking and the answer of the one asked. That part is out of our hands.
Another great post as usual Alli.
Your son is SMART! Out of the mouth of babes…..they learn us good, don’t they!? : )
Huge thanks for your thoughtful and thought provoking reply, Samantha!
There is definitely an element of being willing to let go of the outcome when we’re asking for help. No is absolutely a possibility and we cannot control others thoughts, feelings or actions (no matter how much we may want to do just that!)
Also, yikes on the double standard. I think there is also an element of how we’re asking, why we’re asking and how often the asking becomes pestering. I’m actually very aware of this with my children. They may ask me for water, or a snack and I’ll get it for them but when the asking becomes lazy – they just don’t want to move and know that they can get someone else to do it – I push back. Everyone has their own balance on “the ask” for some it’s a lot and others next to none and we never know anyone’s life experience before we find the courage and confidence to ask and hope for a positive response.
Assertiveness can be a gift yet quickly shift to overbearing. Actually, you have me thinking why I wrote this whole post and didn’t use that word once! Clearly it’s central to the piece. Hummm.
Appreciate you!!
Loved it Alli! I had to think about why I don’t stop to ask and I think it’s ego. I want to appear totally in charge and “on top of it” so I won’t ask for help.
Although, on the flip side, it creates determination to get the task done yourself!
Happens to me a lot too, LaRae. I get caught up in the “must be seen as…” smart, competent, on the ball etc.
Love looking at the flip side. If we’re not willing to ask for help, and unwilling to give up… it’s up to us to still make it happen. Mental toughness helps a lot!
Thanks, LaRae!
I was talking with a colleague the other day. She said the woman on the plane next to her said, “I’m so sorry to eat in front of you, would you like half of my sandwich?” My friend was starving…. she said, “yes.” I was shocked, as was everyone else to whom she told the story… we laughed, “she was just being polite!” But then we heard the rest of the story.. they ate together, and talked deeply for several hours. It turns out they had much in common, and made a real connection. I wonder if that would have happened if my colleague had politely said “oh, no thank you.” Most people want to help.
Karin –
LOVE that story!! It’s true… most people really do want to help and it’s up to us to take them up on it.