As I replay the highs and lows of my career and life, I realize that I only remember bits and pieces. No, I don’t suffer from amnesia, but I do have selective memory. I can look back on even the most trying of times and in retrospect, with many years in-between, they weren’t so bad. In my memory stress and tears, bad bosses and challenging colleagues, professional failures and successes are reduced to a snapshot. At best, I have a highlight reel I can play in my brain that makes me long for the good old days even while knowing in my gut that they weren’t always so good in the moment.
For example, nearly 20 years ago my husband-to-be and I moved into our first apartment together. It was in Jenkintown, PA, not too far from the train station and in a beautiful old house. The top floor apartment came available and we felt like we found a gem. Three rooms, no AC, beautiful hard wood floors and a whopping $300 a month rent. In my memory it was nothing less than incredibly charming and cozy. I remember that instead of coming into the house through the front door, I would often come into the apartment up the fire escape through the large window in the kitchen. Romantic, right?
Last weekend, I turned to my husband feeling particularly nostalgic and asked him where the bathroom was in our tiny home. I really can’t remember. Turns out, he can’t remember either but both we know we had one. That year I was on the road a lot for work, which is why I chalk up our time there to only flashes of memories, like a highlight reel.
- I don’t feel the overwhelming heat of the summer, but I do remember our newly purchased window air conditioning unit and the sheets we hung up to channel every bit of the cool air.
- I don’t remember cooking in the kitchen where the fridge couldn’t be open if the stove was open, but I do remember having friends over for dinner and long nights of conversation.
- I don’t remember ever leaving for the office, only coming home.
Ahh, the joys of selective memory. It fills me with longing for the good old days because that’s all I remember, the good. My brain has been very resourceful at softening the sharp edges of the truth.
It’s even how I view my days in consulting with a Big 4 consulting firm. Those were some of the best years of my life. I was challenged daily, consistently given a little more responsibility than I could easily handle and the people were amazing. Truthfully, I don’t even need to reminisce too much on this one to know that my mentally photoshopped version is morphing memories, helping me to forget that it was far from perfect.
The good old days. We long for them because that’s what we remember. When we remember the bad stuff, it’s usually with a haze that keeps us safe and protects us from reliving the pain and discomfort of our in-the-moment truth.
I work with people who sometimes struggle to accept that many of their memories are selective and find themselves stuck between a perfect past and an unknown future. They long for the good old days without fully unpacking the less-than-ideal bits. I understand the desire to forget or ignore the pain and hardship of the past, but constant longing for the present to be as good as the rose colored past can stop you from fully stepping into your biggest and best future.
[Tweet “Longing for the past can stop you from fully stepping into your biggest and best future.”]
How can you take off the rose colored glasses of selective memory to bridge the gap between your perfect past and unknown future?
Stop talking about it with everyone new you meet.
“In my old company…” “In my old town…” “In my old gym…” When your head is stuck in the comparison trap of past to present, you’re blocking yourself from what’s awesome right here, now. Not to mention, you’re probably annoying more than a few people.
Talk about it – with people who were there.
Ask: “Was it really so great?” “What do you remember?” Together, fill in some of the gaps in your memory. It will be like adding the background color to your otherwise selective memory.
Accept that it’s OK to feel good about your past.
It’s beautiful when your brain helps you to stay positive by giving you the good stuff. You’re allowed to enjoy warm memories. You can know that you have selective memory without feeling guilty about it.
Realize your past is not a great measuring stick for your future.
When all you think about is how you’ll never find another job as good as the one you had five years ago, or partner, or friend, you shut the door on possibilities. Is it really possible that your life, leadership, career or intimate relationships have peaked? That it’s all down hill from here? I don’t believe that.
Be grateful that the pain is softened.
Would women have a second child if they remembered every moment of their first pregnancy and delivery? Would anyone date after breakup or apply for a new job after getting downsized? Time is on our side when selective memory lets us try again, and again, and again without fear of reliving the same pain again and again and again.
Remember, snapshots are moments, not minutes, hours, or years.
When years get boiled down to key events, you crop out all of the mundane bits, the pieces that were simply living.
Truth is, our lives are more like strings of magical, every day mundane moments than a fast moving roller coaster roaring through peaks and valleys. Don’t let a snapshot from your selective memory fool you into pretending the mundane never happened.
Your memories tell your life story. Selective memory is like the edited version, the one we’d want to play on the big screen with friends and family in the audience. Whatever snapshots are in your selective memory photo album, enjoy them, they’re yours – just don’t buy into the idea that they’re the whole story.
Do you have selective memory? How has it held you back or propelled you forward in your life and leadership?
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Wow, Alli. This post is so moving and profound. These past three years, as I move out into new and uncomfortable places in my career, I do find myself glorifying the days when I had a full roster of therapy clients and I felt at the top of my game.
This post not only reveals how we forget the painful parts of our past (and harken back to them to deny our current reality) but is also proof that we grow and change.: Something that was amazing to us 20 years ago does not hold the same romance in our later years. Thanks for yet another thought provoking post.
Thanks, Blair! It’s so interesting… sometimes reminiscing about the good old days when we were at the top makes us feel like we can do it again and other times fills us with doubt. Truth is, things change and they’re all a part of our story.
Many thanks to you for adding your insights and experience too!
What a magnificent piece Alli! I really love this one!
So much truth in here, I don’t even know where to begin!
I love your reflections on your first apartment together! Reminds me of the first apartment my husband and I moved into. It was a 2 story 1 bedroom loft. We were so PROUD. It was there that we met another couple, who to this day still remains one of my closest friends.
We do have selective memory. Fortunately, much of the memories I have of my hubby are naturally mostly all of the good ones. Yet the truth is, we had our bad times too. And I think with grief, when someone dies…we tend to do that. Focus mainly on all of the great stuff and completely minimize and block out the rest of it.
I absolutely LOVE this post Alli. Much to offer in this gem and worthy of a re-read or two!
xo
That first apartment with the one you love… how can we not romanticize it in our memory? I think that there’s something special about recalling the good stuff while fully knowing that not everything was sparkly and perfect. We can hold both in a way… the truth of the relationship and the heart of the relationship.
So grateful for your comments and connection! 🙂
A couple of thoughts:
~ This reinforces the notion that significant activities at work or home should probably be journaled and that the recommendations accompanying the conclusions of a final report are indeed very important.
~ Some people seem to have much better recall of past activities. I have always wondered why, whether it’s because they were more engaged at the time or what.
~ On some (what???) scale, how “bad” does a past activity have to be in order for it to be able to be totally recalled? And how selective are the memories of those negative events?
~ People seeking to extend the past into the present, to use the past as a model of the future, are doing themselves and their companies even more of a disservice than thought (more than just squashing creativity and innovation, incorrectly modeling the past).
Ah, yes! Journaling! Not my thing but as you point out, one of the many reasons why it’s valuable. However, I think it’s also really interesting to consider Kena’s comment below… how re-reading those negative thoughts, feelings and experiences felt years later.
I’m also reminded of my son who remembers tons of details… he’ll ask things like “do you remember when we were walking down that treelined street in the afternoon and the guy rode down the street with the blue bike? That’s the kind of bike I want.” I have no idea how he does it… but when I really push myself to recall, and he piles on more details, I often find that he’s right on with his memory.
Truly, your last point is the one that resonates with me the most. Using our past as a model for the future is cutting ourselves off from our potential (and often others too).
Many thanks to you for adding greater depth to this conversation!
Really great post, Alli!
You make great points, but the one that resonated with me the most was: Realize your past is not a great measuring stick for your future.
I know I’ve made that mistake, and I think many others do as well. I’ve been lulled into complacency by thinking that, since I’ve done it before, I should handle this situation like all the others…BIG MISTAKE!
That’s definitely the one that I think is the most important take away too. “Because that’s the way we’ve always done it” is a way of thinking that keeps individuals and businesses stuck as opposed to creating new levels of success.
Thanks so much for your comment!
Another gem Alli. I guess my memories are a little different. I long for looking at old phone to remember goods times that have been clouded by bad decisions and choices that blocked out the good moments. I could certainly have a want to go back to make different decisions and fix some broken roads. At the age time that may change where I am and I am too grateful for what I have to let it go. The only change would be to still have my Dad here to give me some of his world class advice. I miss that.
Thanks for all you do.
Tom
You bring such an important truth forward with your comment… not all memories are warm and fuzzy. In my highlights reel, Tom, I also have a number of prominent memories that I wish could be do-overs. Letting go, learning and moving forward are where I think personal leadership shines. It’s being stuck in the past that totally stops our ability to have a fulfilling future.
I appreciate what you wrote about your Dad too. I wish that was something that was possible to change.
I appreciate you, Tom. Thanks for your vulnerable and honest comment here.
This is a brilliant post. I so do this reel editing thing.
Today I had the opportunity to lead a workshop for an awesome leader who once reported to me at Verizon who now is now in a senior role in another company. When we saw each other for the first time in a few years, all the good memories came rushing back. The truth is we also had some tough times, but the connection that led to our working together again came from the good times trumping the challenging… or perhaps that the challenging times also led to truly deep two-way respect. I think the strongest memories (good or bad) are the ones that stick.
Thanks for sharing that story, Karin! I agree, sticky memories hang around for a reason and when they deepen relationships all the better!
Loved the post Alli and loved hearing all about your early journey with your husband!
I think selective memory has been both good and bad for me. It’s been good because the lessons I learned from it have helped me grow into who I am today. It has been bad because I sometimes dwell on the imperfect events which can limit my choices.
I have to keep processing what wonderful thoughts you shared and see how my selective memory will evolve with me.
Thanks Alli!
Our early relationship was a whirlwind! Fun to think back.
Dwelling on past, whether on success or shortcomings does hold us back. It’s the learning and appreciating and accepting that moves us forward.
One of my favorite memories from the past year was lunch with you! It will be on my highlights reel for a long time to come. So grateful for your friendship and connection.
Brilliant post, Alli! It is like reading bits of astray pieces of life put together in one story.
What would life have been if it was not for Selective Memory? What a boon it is that I have conveniently forgotten the pain of getting ripped open in the OT several times and what a blessing that I remember the feeling of being loved when I met my soulmate, held my babies in hand and laid in the lap of my Maa. Just like flushing out the worst and archiving the best that I’ve got from life. In fact when I read my daily diary notes that I’d probably penned during times of utter distress, it becomes difficult for me to correlate with the negativity I’d sprawled on paper.
The one liner from the article that hits the nail right on is when you say, “Realize your past is not a great measuring stick for your future. Indeed! Future is not worse or better from the past but is entirely ‘different’, beauty of which lies in the unforeseen.
Loved the article. Makes me contemplate. 🙂
Kena!
I’m truly touched that you took the time to comment. Love your examples of some of your selective memories – beautiful.
I’m especially drawn to your comment about your diary notes and how despite the fact that you wrote the words, the feeling has transformed (or maybe even disappeared.) I know that while I don’t journal, I can intellectually remember how angry or hurt or scared I was at times but am grateful that the power behind the emotion has been tempered by time.
Also – with you all the way! Past, Present, Future are not meant to be the same… Here’s to celebrating different.
You’re awesome. Thanks so much.
Beautiful post Alli – I read about your first apartment as I listened to Christmas Music and have a woodwick evergreen scented candle crackling in the background. (And I am doing those things with my rose-colored glasses on, because I’m remembering the special parts of the holidays that I will be missing,)
Your apartment made me think of our first, and I pictured you as Julie in the movie Julie and Julia – cooking in your little kitchen!
Big hugs to you!
I’ve got to see that movie now!
You are doing something that I didn’t even touch on in this post – thank you for adding it!! Sounds, smells, immersing ourselves in the feelings of the past can immediately create a beautiful intersection our past with our present.
I’m going to spritz on some of my favorite perfume tomorrow that brings me back to the first time I visited Sydney and I had enough energy and self-confidence to take on the world.
Big hugs right back at you!
Spot on points, Alli. Remembering the past can hold us back. Rather than doing this, I try to remember what I learned from the past and then apply the lessons learned in moving forward. I try really (really) hard to never (ever) mention a past company. I dislike this when others do it. We are in the present, solving present problems and leading in the present moment.
Our lessons learned apply but they shouldn’t be what we talk about or hang on to.
Jon
Love your philosophy, Jon! Instead of getting stuck in the past, intentionally bring the learning with you into the present moment.
I too have never been a fan of people who are always referencing everything that they did before… I keep thinking… but this is now.
Thanks for your addition! Much appreciated!
Hi Alli,
You have captured a human tendency of rose coloring the past and put it in stark contrast to the truth.
It is a great wake up call to all of us and will be the daily alarm clock we need to jump start us out of “oh the good old days” mode.
Kudos and thanks!
Kate
Everyone has a pair or two of rose colored glasses but knowing that’s how we see the world and our experience is the first step to taking them off. The good old days were good… but there’s good stuff here now too.
Many thanks to you for your comment. Means a lot!
Alli
Alli,
Thank you for the reminder that we should be grateful for the softened memories. People accuse me of living with my rose colored glasses on- but do you know what? I am totally ok with my beautiful view of the world and my past. I have learned some really hard lessons, and grown tremendously from them… but when I look back at those times (tough relationships specifically), I want to think of the lessons AND the great memories that kept me involved. Looking at the negative side is disheartening and heavy.
Thanks again and happy thanksgiving!
I totally understand, Danielle! I am kind of attached to my rose colored glasses too and it does not mean that I didn’t learn anything from my past painful moments. You put it so beautifully in your comment.
A very Happy Thanksgiving to you too!