At my child’s netball game I was talking to another parent who has lived in our small town all her life. I moved from a major metropolitan area to one of the most remote towns on the planet, but to her, it’s alway just been home. Of course, from my worldview, I wondered how she could be happy here forever and why she was holding on so dearly to life as she knows it. The coach in me was briefly tempted to ask, “Don’t you want to break out of your comfort zone?” Then I realized that I was projecting my bias for change on to her; not fair and not useful.
I did ask her a few questions, trying to understand her experience in the context of my own. I inquired:
Do you love it here?
Did you ever think about leaving?
How has the town changed?
What’s it like to have your children live in the same house where you grew up?
Are you happy here?
I think my last question was the most eye opening because her answer was an emphatic “yes.” She’s very happy and loves watching her children attend the same school she did, all of the town traditions and feeling like a part of the community. She gushed for a few minutes about what’s great about never leaving and why she’ll likely be here forever.
Forever is a long, long time. Still, she’s clearly not suffering because she’s choosing to stay here, on the contrary, she’s really happy. It is absolutely possible that she’s still finding ways to grow, challenge herself and evolve even if I can’t see it from the outside. Just because I think she’s staying in her comfort zone based on where she lives doesn’t mean she is in all aspects of her life.
Do You Have to Break Out of Your Comfort Zone? (and how far do you need to go?)
If you’re wondering if this comfort zone thing is just something in vogue for change leaders, coaches and bloggers, it’s not. Moving outside of your comfort zone brings real learning and growth. Stagnation never brings inspiration or passion along for the ride. Still, everyone has a different comfort zone and leaps look different for everyone too.
I often write about pushing boundaries and why you need to change however, no two leaps will be identical in style, substance or distance. Comfort zones are not something you can pick up at Costco and throw in your cart. For some, it’s moving around the world and for others, it’s finally buying a new car when the one you’ve had since grad school finally dies.
Can this parent move out of her comfort zone if she never moves away from our small town? Absolutely. Can you break free from your comfort zone if you stay in the same job, town or relationship long term? Of course. The trick is to know where you most need and want to grow. It’s easy to skate along on the surface of your life, but it’s powerful to identify specific areas to invest your time and energy to strengthen and change.
You can be incredibly satisfied and fulfilled in one or more areas of your life while ignoring other parts that are dramatically less satisfying. You may not even realize you’re doing it. Personal development requires you to take a critical look at what’s working in your life and leadership and identify what could be even stronger. From there, you can take meaningful targeted action to break out of your comfort zone and unleash new levels of happiness and success.
It always helps me to have a tool or a structure to break down my experience. One I often use with clients and you may have seen before is the Wheel of Life. It’s a systematic way for you to identify what’s working really well for you and where you may want to put more time and attention. The best part about this tool is that it’s all about how you use it! You can look at your career, marketing, relationships, fun, and of course your life. Here are a few versions of the wheel for you to put to immediate use. No email required to download the pdf.
Comfort zones should not hold you back from making changes that can make a good life great. You just need to pick one area to start.
What are your aha’s about your wheel? Any surprises? Where do you want to grow for a smoother, more fulfilling ride?
Are you ready to break out, but unsure how to get past all of your excuses? You’ll love this eCourse: Get Unstuck and Choose to Move
Hi Alli,
I love the Wheel of Life tools! Reminds me of some various pie versions I’ve seen and they really do help to get a quick, at a glance overview of what’s working well and what’s not in our lives. Thanks for sharing!
As for comfort zones, while I wholeheartedly believe it’s important to experience another part of the world and culture to expand our own horizons and obtain a more realist worldview, I also don’t necessarily think there is something wrong with the person in your post who is happy right where she is at in the world. Perhaps it is simple as the idea if she was unhappy with her location but was too afraid to leave, that would more than likely indicate a ‘break the frame’ area of concern.
Where there is dissatisfaction, fear, and unhappiness, those are usually our biggest areas of concern that are crying out to be addressed in our lives. It’s good that you recognized this in this other parent. She’s more than happy with living in the same place, but has other areas of life to address. Her life and calling may be in one location, and it’s rich with opportunity for her to learn and grow right where she is at.
Thanks for another rich post Alli!
Thanks for your comment, Samantha!
Personally, I think we can always break the frame and it does not require a move around the world, a new job or anything major. All it takes is intentionally shifting our perspective and the wheel gives us an easy way to do that. One of the reasons I love the Wheel of Life is that there is no crisis required for improvement! If someone is at a “five” in one area of their life, it’s up to them to imagine what a “seven” would feel like. What would they be doing, feeling, thinking… and, if it matters, what’s one step forward they can take today? No one need wait until they are feeling distress to make their life even better.
I’m with you – I love that she is incredibly happy here. For me, I wasn’t as shocked that she could live her life in one place, it’s how remote we are here… a 16+ hour drive to the nearest city. How has she found happiness in an oasis that many others find overwhelming isolation? I was inspired by her and her sense of peace!
Rarely does someone have all aspects of their life, career etc at a “ten” but that’s why we keep growing, changing and learning.
Appreciate your fantastic comment!!
xo
I love how you are able to accept where people are in their life journey and remain open to their perspective. That Alli is the trait of an extraordinary coach!
Your Wheel of Life is so helpful in empowering us to look at the different facets of our professional and personal lives and tweak the areas we want to work on. It breaks down our goals into smaller, more manageable pieces. As a solo entrepreneur I feel like I am constantly trying out new things and exploring. It can get exhausting sometimes but usually I am revved up as long as it involves a people piece.
Thanks Alli and I can’t wait to show others the Wheel!
I’ve found that I get overwhelmed when I try to fix and tweak too many things at once. The wheel not only helps my clients and I see current experience but also allows us to focus and pick one area to understand, change and grow.
I can totally relate to the exhaustion too and like you, I’ve discovered that when change happens through relationships and not isolation… I’m energized to keep going!
Many thanks to you for your comment and incredible support!
There’s no way you can know if change(s) make sense unless you self-assess how things are going and whether or not refinements are appropriate. In the words of the later Stephen Covey, it’s the fourth of four needs that must be addressed regularly (in my case, every Sunday morning before others have awakened).
Also, as one who has gotten so much out of Alli’s online course, “Get Unstuck and Choose to Move,” I cannot recommend it enough for your consideration.
Look forward to using the Wheel of Life. Thanks for making it available!!!
You are awesome, John! I’m so happy that the course was time well spent and I’m grateful that you’re sharing your experience with others too!
Self-assessment is essential for focused growth and development – otherwise we’re left with the spaghetti approach of throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks!
Every time I use the wheel I get a surprise… not only about what’s not going as well as I would like, but also upon reflection I realize that some parts and pieces are pretty darn great!
Thanks for the reminder of Covey’s brilliance too – a great reminder for me to pull down my copy of the Seven Habits.
Appreciate your connection and insights, John!
Love this post, Alli!
This is great: “Can this parent move out of her comfort zone if she never moves away from our small town? Absolutely. Can you break free from your comfort zone if you stay in the same job, town or relationship long term? Of course. The trick is to know where you most need and want to grow.”
You are talking about emotionally intelligence and having the capacity to read and understand your own emotions, thoughts, and behavior—all the elements of mental toughness!
Thanks, LaRae! It’s easy to think that we need to fix “everything” when we’re unhappy or fix “nothing” when life is good. Instead of fixing, it’s important to think about growing and strengthening with intention. Even a willingness to truly look under the covers of our experience takes mental toughness!
Many thanks for your comment and bringing forward how this definitely ties together with EI and mental toughness too.
Are you happy because you can’t see yourself doing or being anywhere else – or have you settled for where you are and what you are doing because it’s good enough? If you are standing still – are you falling behind? Insightful as always Alli –
Brian,
It’s like you’re in my brain! Been sketching out a post about “good enough.”
What it comes down to is honestly answering both of the questions that you pose for each of us to discover our own truth and go from there.
So great to see you here 🙂 Thanks for your comment, Brian!
Alli,
The wheel of life is a great way to think about joy. Even more important, maybe, is how to think about fulfillment. Being happy may be like a piece of candy; after awhile, you are still hungry. Being fulfilled delivers the protein for a long, meaningful life.
Jon
Absolutely! Very well said, Jon! That’s what the wheel is all about… turning up the dial to intentionally create and live your most fulfilling life.
With gratitude ~
Alli
Alli,
I have been in a training clas for the last five weeks. For me personally I have not been out of my comfort zone, except maybe for feeling I should be teaching not taking the class. Yet I watch and try to help people through their being uncomfortable almost daily. For many a change to the next level is a big valley to hurdle and they don’t see the smaller steps in between. Yet for many crossing that valley from comfort zone to new level comfort zone will be a truly rewarding experience. So I tell them to keep the eye on the prize, make good decisions for your self and get ready for the next adenture in life as it won’t be the last.
Comfortable is a mindset. For some it is something that means never changing and that’s ok. For others it’s like new clothes everyday. Couldn’t do without the change. Diversity is what makes this such a wonderful world.
Thanks for all you do.
Tom
Comfortable is a mindset! Especially thinking that staying comfortable is better than what’s possible with a change.
What I think is most important is growth. Where can people turn up the volume and make things even stronger? It may mean choosing to spend more time with family, or less time at the office or even saying yes to lunch with colleagues instead of constant lunch at one’s desk. There is not one solution (or challenge) that everyone faces.
Love your insights and I’m glad that your class is over in time for you to be home for the holidays!!
Many thanks, Tom!
I think the key question is “are you happy?” Breaking out of our comfort zone feels like an important value for many of us. I also always think of my grandparents… I would visit them once a year and nothing would have seemed to have changed. The cranberry juice was in exactly the same place in the fridge as the last 10 years, so was the milk.
That’s lightyears from how I live… but they seemed pretty darn happy.
I agree, Karin. That’s the big one that mattered most.
Hi Alli,
It’s great that you didn’t project any bias on to her. Often when people don’t agree or understand with someone else’s life choices they look at them like they’re crazy. I would’ve asked the same questions as you. I’m intrigued by people’s differences, like how someone can be happy with something that others would view as misery. It’s great to have different perspectives.
To answer your questions. I think I’d like to grow in my career, probably because it touches on so many aspects of my life.
~Lea