Were you a know-it-all that now knows nothing?
Same game, different rules, happens all the time. Just the other day, the kids, my husband and I went to a local park to practice some footy and netball skills, two popular Australian sports. It was beautiful, the sun was shining and everything was going perfectly. I was practicing netball throwing and catching with my daughter while my husband helped our son to get some more (read: any) distance from his kick.
While my daughter climbed and played, I joined the boys for a quick “game.” My son would giggle and tackle my husband every time he got near the ball and yell to me to get it and race towards the goal. Once my daughter noticed how much fun we were having, she decided join in too before we headed home. Then “it” happened.
Five minutes into the play, the same determination and laughter that my son used to take down my husband, came out as he tackled his sister. Let me tell you, she went down with a THUD and was NOT happy.
“You idiot!” she shouted.
“What!? That’s how you play the game, ” he suggested.
That would be true if we were playing an actual game with a bunch of footy players. The rules are different when you’re seven years old playing with your nine-year-old sister and we’re just trying to have fun.
Same game, different rules
Have you ever…
- Gone to college?
- Changed companies?
- Moved to a new team?
- Relocated to a new area?
- Hung out with a new group of friends for the evening?
- Decided to vacation somewhere new instead of heading to the shore?
Bottom line, if you’ve ever made a big or small shift in your life or work you’ve probably experienced a change in the rules of a game that you thought you had already mastered.
Transition is often disconcerting and for some, change can lead to a derailment. You, the star performer, friend, volunteer, parent, leader are now trying to make sense of the new rules of the game as quickly as possible. How do you do that before you get thrown out of further play?
Five Ways to Shift and Thrive:
Make the rules explicit
It may feel cumbersome, but when you’re having “firsts,” make the rules explicit to ensure everyone is on the same page. Remember, people are not mind readers.
Understand expectations
If you’re new to the team, group or organization ask questions to get clear on the cultural norms and specific expectations that apply to you. If you don’t know what expectations people have for you, they can never be met.
Stretch Yourself
A shift in environment is a great time to stretch yourself into new ways of being. If you’ve typically been shy, experiment with speaking up. If you’re usually more aggressive, take a back seat and soak things in. Shift expectations of yourself and innovate your own best practices.
Ask for what you want
If you need more support or explanation, ask for it. If you sit silently, struggling or confused, ultimately you will fail. You won’t look stupid for asking for more information or help, but you will ultimately look silly for not asking at all.
Avoid “Know it All” syndrome
There is very little that is more annoying than the newcomer that has all the answers and an overblown sense of what’s right. Yes, you may have domain experience but take the time to learn how to play effectively in the culture before throwing around “In my old company / school / clique / town / neighborhood / church / synagogue… this is how we did it.”
Why did my daughter get angry when she was tackled? She wasn’t expecting it. Both children thought that they knew the rules of engagement but they had different rule books.
It’s tough to go from having confidence and competence to a place of uncertainty – especially when you feel like you’ve just been tackled and are dazed and confused. You can avoid the dip by cultivating an awareness that your view of the world is just one view of the world. Take this moment to learn, stretch and engage as you move down your personal leadership path. (Click to Tweet)
What have you done to effectively transition from knowing the rules to feeling like you’re constantly wobbling and learning on the go?
Alli,
I bet you will be surprised to know that this resonates with me! 🙂
The change process has truly become a fascination, as I watch others goes through it and as I navigate it myself.
I love your opening story, and the points you make.
As I navigate this new culture there have been many days I’ve not known the rules, or understood why they are the rules, or when they apply… And many days I’ve tried to intentionally forget what I’ve always known so that I can better understand my new reality.
What I am doing effectively: I’ve learned that some wobbling is normal to expect it and to give myself grace when I experience it. I’ve learned to seek advice and connections. I am learning patience. I’m learning to intentionally count my blessings. And I’ve learned a lot about being able to laugh at myself.
Chery – My expat sister! 🙂
The expat experience has shined a whole new light on change and resilience. At the check out at the store today the cashier asked me which I like better – Australia or the USA. My response “they’re so different and we love both of them” prompted some detailed questions from her. The longer I’m here the more I can appreciate that truly different doesn’t mean worse or better.
I love that you wrote that you are giving yourself grace. We ALL need to do that more – we need to forgive ourselves and allow learning and change to happen instead of assuming something is wrong if our assimilation process doesn’t happen instantly. So much to learn and I appreciate all of your insights, sharing and transparency! Your learning feeds my own! Thank you!
Home Run Alli!
What hit home for me is the statement that you made “Both children thought that they knew the rules of engagement but they had different rule books”
Isn’t that true for many circumstances and situations in life.
Perception. Expectations and Assumptions.
All of the above elements, take us down a path that is very much our own.
But we exist in the world of others and so we must check in and see what another is thinking if we are going to thrive.
Loved your post.
Great writing.
Lolly
Lead From Within
Many thanks, Lolly! It’s true – our view of the world is just one view of the world. Fully knowing that it’s “just one” as opposed to the “right one” gives us room to flex, learn and expand our relationships and personal leadership.
Appreciate you tons! xoxo
Hi Alli, It seems the older I get the less fond I am of “rules.” I find that many so-called leaders who create rules are really just trying to get people to comply with “their” rules. The rules are way of forcing what should come natural.
I wonder if in life we can focus more on values and principles rather than rules. For example, The Golden Rule. (Funny, we call it a “rule.”) It’s really a principle. Treat others like we would like to be treated.
If your son was practicing this “principle,” he wouldn’t need a rule. The principles by which we choose to live are more over-arching than having to create a rule for every circumstance.
Dan,
Rules can feel incredibly confining when we spend so much time decoding and worrying that we’re going to step over a line in the sand that we never even knew existed. Rules help us grow and gain mastery and after that our values and principles enable us to flex outside of the lines with confidence and competence. Principles and values are key to taking the rules and helping us to apply what’s meaningful and important to our own lives. Thanks for bringing them forward!
I so relate to this Alli. From cruise control to unknown and uncertain paths is what I’m living right now. There are lot of moments when the uncertainty raises a lot of doubt, and questions. But it is my passion and purpose and wanting to reinvent myself, that Helps me through those.
I totally resonate with this post.
Lalita – So important! When things are shifting, we need to stay focused on our passion and purpose (kind of like our personal North Star) I think you know how much your experience hits home for me too.
Appreciate you!
Wow, Alli, this is an exceptional post! Shifting is so, so difficult when we are thrust into “unknown territory”. We feel so unbalanced and so frightened to make a wrong move. Transitions in my career from a more corporate world to a consulting world did require me to ask for help. And asking for help is so hard for me. Thanks for sharing these great ways to thrive!
Thanks, Terri! It can be so incredibly unsettling to go from a place of being the expert to a world filled with so much self-doubt and unknowns. Asking for help is hard for so many people. Clearly, reaching out and asking for help paid off for you! The transition you made is an inspiration to me!
Dear Alli,
When I moved to the UK in 1989 to pursue my higher education, I was like Alice in the Wonderland (no kidding). Moreover, I’m originally french educated so I had a big problem while communicating with people. It was easier for me to fail & give it all up, but I said to myself: you have no way back Hoda, just concentrate & do it.
I asked questions (many of them), listened well to everyone around me, captured every single details. In summary, I used all my senses & to their full power.
Finally, I truly believe that being receptive & adaptive are primordial in these situations. May I add this old local saying: “Live with a tribe 40 days. Become like them or simply move away” :
Hoda
Hoda,
Thank you for sharing your personal experience here! Ask questions, listen and LEARN. So simple and yet so key to successfully integrating change into our lives.
I love that saying. Reminds me to give it time – nothing actually happens in the snap of the fingers.
Grateful for your your insights and connection.
Very good post Alli !
I really liked how you started this one through a very personal lens to “transition” into the heart of the subject.
Transitions in life and at work are very important events and how we experience them or chose to face adversity often determines how we will succeed or resist and fail. I would say putting the ego aside is very important to let the answers come to us… not always easy but often essential to go deeper and find meaning to elevate ourselves and grow.
I believe you point out one key fact for leaders which is not to isolate ourselves… we can often be our worst enemies… or ask for help…
This quote really hit home for me:
“If you sit silently, struggling or confused, ultimately you will fail. You won’t look stupid for asking for more information or help, but you will ultimately look silly for not asking at all.”
Superb!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom with all of us!
Johann
Thanks, Johann! Why do we equate asking for help as a sign of weakness instead as a key leadership characteristic that reflects a strong commitment to success?
I also agree, too often we are our own worst enemies and transition is a time to stretch ourselves into new ways of being and doing.
Sincerely appreciate your insights and connection!
Alli!
OUTSTANDING!
Ha!! We, here in Chisana, felt the same when Alaska became first a state (listening to the old-timers, including my own Dad.), then when the area where we live was made a National Park. As Outfitters, inside the Park, the “Same Game, Different Rules” is a familiar nightmare.
Thank you for this, Alli, I am sorry it took so long to stumble over here on this PC!
I LOVE that Amber-Lee!! It’s how people felt when Alaska became a state! Great example of how shifts, big or small can feel seismic even when we’re standing on the same ground.
I feel for your computer woes!!! Hope you’re back up and running at full speed again soon!
xoxo
Alli, what a great way to manage through change and transitions! As human beings, our instincts are to avoid change and electing uncertainty. Yet, without change, we stagnate and that goes against our soul’s purpose for being here. I like what you said about knowing what to expect by defining the new rules and asking for help if necessary. So often, we feel that, as a newbie, we haven’t “earned” the right to ask for support before we’ve proven ourselves, especially in job setting. Thanks for the very practical, thoughtful ways of navigating change so that we don’t get tackled by surprise.
Alice, I always enjoy your insights on our soul’s purpose – love how you put it in the context of change. So often, we’re held back by our fear and in fact, it’s the moving forward that can be the most fulfilling.
Also, as for all of the newbies out there – ASK! We will prove ourselves much more effectively and faster if we have the tools, resources, support and information we need to be successful!
Appreciate your comments and insights always, Alice!