We bought the festival tickets weeks in advance so we’d be front and center for a huge musical act that was coming to town. On the last day of the festival, Jessica Mauboy was set to perform and it was like a dream come true for our daughter and her friend. Turns out, we made some assumptions when we bought the tickets and ultimately chose to dramatically change our plans.
1) We assumed that the festival would end earlier on the final day and not go into the wee hours on a Sunday night
2) We assumed that approximate times would be released for each of the big performers so we’d know when to show up instead of hanging out waiting all night long
3) We assumed that it was a smart move to buy tickets before diving into the limited details that were available – instead we choose assume (like most people do) that our assumptions were right.
Let’s just say we have one really disappointed daughter that was not at the concert and our bank account is lower than it needs to be.
Why did we decide to skip the show and “ruin the rest of her life?”
Values
We may have made assumptions, but it does not mean that when those assumptions were proven wrong we were willing to step all over our values, which includes school-night bedtime and being engaged, alert and focused learners. That’s the story we told ourselves and her friend’s Mum agreed. The concert was a no-go.
Values are a critical guideposts for decision-making. Values help us decipher right from wrong and take action in a direction that is in alignment with who we are and what matters most.
Knowing your core values is essential to your personal leadership. (Click to Tweet)
If I was true to my values, then why can’t I stop a big thought and one big question swirling through my mind?
Big Thought: We should have taken her.
Big Question: When’s the right time to make an exception?
Exceptions
When we step outside of the status quo, and our comfort zone, is when the most growth happens. What keeps us firmly in place? Fear, exhaustion, personal preferences, the unknown, our fine-tuned skill of blowing out every potential worse case scenario…
Unfortunately, leadership and innovation aren’t all about playing by the rules all the time but instead writing and rewriting them along the journey. There are times we crave knowing we made the right choice but every choice takes us somewhere – we put the label of right and wrong on it.
Learning happens in the stretch, not the glide. (Click to Tweet)
Dealing with ambiguity is a critical leadership competency that enables us to make the leap in times of uncertainty and make exceptions with confidence, competence and creativity. What does dealing with ambiguity really mean? A willingness to shift, take risks, innovate and handle uncertainty.
I wasn’t willing to embrace ambiguity, step out of my comfort zone, and go to the concert. I chose the easy path, the one with the least inconvenience to me. I chose to honor other commitments while breaking my promise to her. Living my values? Questionable.
Is it a Rule, Value or a Core Value?
It’s so easy to make proclamations in the name of our values but I’ve seen, through my work with my coaching clients, that most aren’t clear on their values. Instead, they are clear on the rules that they’ve crafted to help them run their busy lives. In fact, when we do the work to go deep on their values, exceptions are more easily embraced because they have a new, deeper, more connected frame for the decision.
Values are personal and uncovered through experiences that define us. (Click to Tweet)
The leadership competency that comes to mind here is self-knowledge. We have tons of rules, many values but far fewer core values. If you’ve ever seen a laundry list of values, I’m sure you’d agree most, if not all, are important. The real trick is doing the work to understand your core values, calling them forth and working through it when they appear in conflict. If you only have a dictionary level understanding but not a gut connection to your values, how do you know when that value is stomped on or honored?
I can’t turn back the clock, make an exception, and take her to the concert but I can use this moment as a launching pad to remember to ask myself some critical questions before leading with an iron fist that says NO.
Life is an adventure… there is time for maybe and absolutely a time for yes… even when it could be a NO.
When faced with a decision and are struggling to make the leap to embrace an exception… here are some questions to pause and ask before you decide:
- What do the facts say?
- What does your gut tell you? Don’t stop there… what else?
- By saying NO, what are you saying YES to?
- By saying YES, what are you saying NO to?
- Are you hung up on a rule you made up?
- What’s the risk?
- What’s the payoff?
- What’s the worst that could happen?
- What’s the best that could happen?
How have your core values effectively guided your decision making and willingness to make exceptions?
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Lolly, these article is quite an extrordinary guide to honest leadership. It is greatly appreciated. Keep up the energy. Thank you.
So appreciative that Lolly shared this post and that you took the time to read share your thoughts too. Many thanks!
I so relate to this post Alli. Knowing your core values is one thing but living by core values no matter how uncomfortable the situation may be, is another. Sometimes it may also be that we are not compromising our valets by saying yes or no to a particular thing. We just need to step back in the moment of choice and think with a cool and calm head.
A well written post with lot of food for thought.
Thank you, Lalita! You’re right – our discomfort is not an excuse for stepping on our values. It can be hard to step back but worth the pause to move forward in alignment with who we are and truly what matters most.
You use a phrase that is often used by my husband. There’s an interesting thing about rules. They’re all “made up.” It can be tough to know when to bend the rules, when to break them, and when to follow them. I appreciate the guidelines you provided. Thanks, Alli!
Took me a long time to figure that out – or at least start to look at rules in a new way. If they’re made up, we have choices! Bend, break or follow is can be a tough call but the moment of decision is an important one because it enables us to move forward instead of getting stuck in endless cycles. Still, like in this case, there may be regret (and a bunch of learning too).
Appreciate you, Joy!
Every assumption – and every decision – is a calculated risk. That’s parenthood / leadership for you. Thought provoking post, thanks.
Calculated risk… truly. Leaders (and parents) rarely decide on a whim even if we can’t always understand the deeper logic.
A sincere thanks for your comment and insights!
Knowing one’s core values is bantered around a lot with little meaning. I love the way you ask leaders to separate rules from values in order to get to one’s true north star. I think rules can sometimes seem like values because we just obey them without thinking, almost in a mechanical way. It is when we deeply reflect on what is honestly important to us and how we show respect for ourselves that differentiates the two.
Great job Alli!
Oh my gosh! I agree with you, Terri! Just do a twitter search for core values and it seems like everyone and their grandmother has a rock solid understanding of them. It gets so blurry between rules and values but I absolutely love that both can be about respect not only for others but respecting and honoring our truth. Doing the work to tease apart the two is meaningful time well spent!
You rock, Terri!
Alli
You make a great point what are the rules what are our values?
Where do we make decisions from? Where do we make our assumptions from?
Lots of food for thought in this post.
Life is a journey sometimes we make mistakes, assumptions, and flops. Everything is a life lesson to do better next time.
Loved that you made me think!
Lolly
Lolly –
So important – sometimes we DO make mistakes… even when we rely on our values as our guideposts. Understanding and learning from those mistakes is what’s most critical. Reminds me of your wonderful post on shame.
Appreciate your tremendously!
Loved this Alli,
I think there is a massive difference between Values and Core Values – so much deeper. Once we know the core, I do believe when difficult decisions have to be made they become the guide (knowing where our own line can’t be crossed is a good thing, but it can be shifted if needed). And yes, they may not be welcomed or understood by another. But are our core values always accurate, we have made them up based on our own views, experience and perceptions of the world – and those change, which then would mean core values never as solid as we think they are. That’s just a thought and probably the ‘make exceptions’ match. Thanks again, and ‘Learning happens in the stretch, not the glide’…wonderful. Dawn
Massive? I agree and all three get frequently thrown around as if they’re the same. So appreciate that you also point out that our core values, while the heart of who we are and our guideposts can and DO shift over time! Understanding our values (and rules we’ve made up) is never a one and done exercise.
You blow me away btw… Ms Brilliant Pants 😉
Love this sentence: “When we step outside of the status quo, and our comfort zone, is when the most growth happens.”
Dealing with ambiguity is critical to leadership, and if we don’t hearken back to our values we can find ourselves adrift when making decisions.
Unfortunately, many of us never take the time to uncover those values until we hit those difficult times, and then it’s hard to “suddenly” get in alignment with them.
Great post.
LaRae – Adrift is the right word for it. In this case, I was googling things about the concert as if google had the magic answer for me. Clearly, the only answer I needed was within me and not the internet!
Taking the time to truly understand our personal values will benefit us over the long-haul. Most people I do the work with are shocked by the clarity that comes as a result but I’m not.
Many thanks for sharing your insights, LaRae!
Such a great story and such a great example of when leadership is really hard. When money, feelings and fun are at stake, sticking to your values is a huge challenge, but those are the exact times we need to set examples and lay the groundwork.
Being flexible with with some rules in order to be true to our core values, does not mean we are flexible with our values.
Blair – Somehow your last sentence magically summed up exactly where I’ve landed too. Thanks for sharing your brilliance here 🙂
Just as it is a parent’s dilemma, so it is a leader’s dilemma! Values are vital in guiding how we make decisions, no doubt. One of the interesting things you highlighted is when do we step outside our comfort zone. It is a key pivot point. We don’t want to sacrifice our values but we also don’t want rules to prevent an opportunity to catch a spark on something new, a new (valuable) experience. When the time and opportunity are right, it is good to surprise our kids and teams with a “yes” at some unexpected times. It is just knowing when to step out of our comfort zone and not upsetting our values.
Good things to think through! Jon
Love the idea of surprising others with the yes – not only taking ourselves out of our comfort zone but joyfully bringing others with us into unchartered waters. It’s not always cut and dry when it’s the right time but that’s part of the risk/reward payoff of leadership and parenting – letting people show us what’s possible.
Thanks so much, Jon!
Great post Alli. What you describe here reminds me of what I like to call “embracing the tension”. It’s easy to use rules or “values” to define the world in a way that forces us to make either / or decisions. Living in the tension gives us the options of both / and. I can have a strong sense of values AND be open to what life presents to me, willing to rethink what I believe the the choices I make. It is important to establish values but as you said we need to remember how we formed those values to begin with and be open to exceptions.
Tension. Perfect. Isn’t it beautiful when we start to see the both/ands in our life? Exceptions help us grow, move forward and live life and work in bigger way. Now you have me thinking about those tensions and why instead of stress they are a gift for us to reach our arms out wide to embrace.
Thanks, Scott!
Excellent post. I imagine almost every parent has felt this struggle and pull… and we feel it at work too. My husband’s mother used to tell him, “you’ve already had too much fun for one day.” I understand her values of balance, but you can imagine the reaction to that as a kid…. (and the grown-up he’s become 😉
I think a lot of it is being able to step back and truly consider each circumstance as unique, using your values as guideposts.
Thanks as always for inspiring our thinking.
Namaste.
How interesting… too much fun for one day. I wonder what my children hear me say every day that reflects my values and will shape their own.
Each circumstance most definitely is unique and it’s when we try to put everything into a bucket or a pretty box with a ribbon on it we get into the most trouble. Values are guideposts but not lines in the sand.
Appreciate you, Karin!