Leadership: Building an Alliance to Create Success

I’ve been sick for a week now.  Not just a little cold, but hacking cough, sore throat, achy, and absolutely exhausted. I’m sure it’s the flu and it appears to be very fond of me.  It happens that my illness has coincided with a critical point for one of my husband’s projects at work.  Not just a little project, but one that requires long and odd hours as he tries to make magic happen.

Unfortunately, we’ve both been so caught up in our own worlds, that while we sense one another’s challenges, we have not really spent any time connecting.  Ultimately, we took our alliance for granted instead of reviewing, renewing and building an alliance with intention.

Alli’s Bubble: I feel like crap.  The kids are insane this week.  I can barely move.  I need help.  Husband cares more about work than his sick wife.  He’s back at the office every night after coming home for a quick dinner and I’m flying solo on kid duty.

Husband’s Bubble:  I’ve got to make this project work.  I’m willing to do whatever it takes, after all, this is only the short term with my hours.  If it’s going to succeed it’s up to me.  I know Alli’s sick, but I’m doing everything I can.  She says she understands.  I hope I don’t catch what she has.

Truth: He made the kids lunches before going back to work, picked up dinner, let me rest.  The other side of the truth is that I encouraged him to go back to work – this project is really important to him.  He was too stressed to sit around watching Big Bang Theory with his hacking wife and I didn’t demand it (even though I secretly wanted it).

Yes, each of us was living our week in our own bubble, seeing the world from our own point of view with little appreciation for the other’s true challenges. While this has been my life for the past week, it felt a lot like déjà vu because I’ve seen it happen at work many times too.  At the office, I’ve been on both sides of the fence.

Sound familiar?  Is this your life at the office without an explicit alliance?

Your Bubble: My boss gave me this big project and I said I understood what I would need to do to get it done, because in the moment, I did.  Now that I’m in it, I don’t.  I’ve sent my boss at least 6 emails today asking clarifying questions and they’ve only responded to one. Do they really want me to get this done?  I was told this was “top priority.”   I canceled my dinner with friends to make this happen.  Does my boss even care?

Your Boss’s Bubble: OMG.  It’s another day with back to back meetings with a conference call squeezed in over lunch.  Thank goodness the work is moving forward and I had time to meet with (your name here) yesterday.  Can I possibly have 148 new messages in my inbox?  It’s not even two o’clock.

Truth:  You are excited that your boss trusted you enough to lead this effort since you’ve been asking for more responsibility.  It’s also true that your boss didn’t tell you what do to if you needed additional support.  Your boss is rarely in their office and you have no idea where they go all day.  Regretfully, you have no boundaries to your alliance on this effort and you feel left out in the cold.

Be a Leader!  Take Responsibility for Building an Alliance in Your Relationships

Leadership requires you to see both sides.  How can you do that in the midst of  your hectic life and work?

You may not have oodles of hours (or desire) to devote to conversations about your personal or work-based relationships,  but focused, honest and timely discussion is critical.   It’s through these powerful perspective sharing and shifting conversations you are building an alliance based on explicit needs, goals and expectations.

1) Schedule time to talk to each other (email is not the answer)

2) Be prepared to say these four things:

1. Say what you mean

If it’s not OK, speak up.  Don’t assume that your boss, spouse or BFF knows that you secretly mean the exact opposite of what you’re saying.  Give up the idea that “if they really knew me, they’d know what I’m really thinking.”

In fact, there may be times that people do know that your thoughts are out of alignment with your words and simply choose to ignore it because all they have room for is their own crazy life and career challenges.  It’s easier to assume that you’re speaking the truth and not only saying what you think other’s want to hear from you.

Can you see how this could lead to an alliance built on shaky ground?

You mean: I need you to own and do this.  You say: I need you to help me with this.
You mean: I can’t figure this out.  You say: I’m working on it.
You mean: I expect you to step in when I need you.  You say: I’m good.

[Tweet “Leaders aren’t martyrs or mind readers.  Speak up!”]

2. Say what you need

If you really can’t cope without their support, you need to be clear on exactly what you need.  Will you and your college around the corner define “support” the same way?  Unlikely.  Why leave people guessing what you need and risk being let down?

Remember, you’re seeing the world through your bubble and so is the other person in your alliance.  I’m willing to bet you’re not looking at all the ways you can make their life easier, you’re looking at how your life can be easier.  Before handing over a list of demands, create a distinction in your own mind between “I need” and “I want” and “I wish” before you open the discussion. 

Imagine the power of an alliance built on a clear understanding of needs and expectations.

I need you to pick up dinner.  I want you to pick up dinner, feed everyone, clean up, put everyone to bed, make tomorrow’s lunches.  I wish you would then bring me a cool drink and two Advil on a silver platter.

I need you to write the business case for this project.  I want you to run with it, set up meetings, and put together the business case.  I wish you would also pitch it to a few people to find the holes, address all the gaps, and put it in an awesome PPT deck I can share at the next executive meeting.

3. Say how you can help

As much as it may seem like it from the view inside of your me-me-me bubble, the world does not rotate around you.  When you’re co-creating an alliance to create success, you’ve got to shift your view from ME to WE, and put some sweat in the game.

“How can I help?” is a powerful question to ask, but another powerful tool in your alliance building is to share what you can and are willing to do.

Have you ever been asked if you need anything else, and your answer is genuinely no, because you have absolutely no idea what to ask for?  Imagine how much easier things would be if you knew what’s possible.

An alliance created from possibility will help you move forward and avoid getting stuck.

“I have to go back to work tonight,” my husband told me, “but I can come home early tomorrow to get the kids to swim lessons if you’re still not feeling well so you don’t have to go.”  I never thought that would be possible and was thrilled that was the case.

“I have back to back meetings today,” said your boss, “but if you need me, pop your head in and I will definitely step out.”  One sentence that could stop endless hours of debate and going down the wrong track.

4.  Say your boundaries 

If you can, if you can’t if you won’t, if you shouldn’t…  all of that is a part of your personal boundaries.

I made a mistake this week, I got angry at my husband for abandoning me in my hour of need. I flipped out that I couldn’t do it anymore and our children were making me crazy. I lost it.

Truthfully, he told me what he needed, told me what he wanted, offered to help and walked miles beyond my boundaries – because I let him.  Feeling dazed and lost I turned to him in anger instead of focusing on myself, my choices, and our alliance.

Reminds me of when I got on an airplane for work, last minute, canceling my anniversary dinner, instead of saying “I can’t this time.”

All that frustration and belief that I was stuck in a bad situation, was really the product of my choice to step on and over my personal boundaries.  I moved the stick instead of standing with courage. Sigh.

Your boundaries are non-negotiable and they should never be made into  guessing game.  Learn them, understand them and share and they’ll form the basis of your shared universe and powerful alliance.

[Tweet “If you have a line in the sand, tell someone it’s there before you cross it.”]

What do you need to say to create a stronger alliance for success in your work or personal life?

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PS.  If you feel stuck in your own bubble, maybe it’s time to POP it Get Unstuck and Choose to Move