Everyone does it. Something happens, it feels like a slight, and you dig into it. Picking at it all day like a scab that’s about to bleed and you know you shouldn’t touch, but you do anyway.
Just the other day, I made an offer to someone who looked like they needed a favor. They declined. I told myself that they hate me. Leap much?
Come on. Think back on your week. How many times did you fill in the gaps with a story that pushed you into the corner? The virtuous person who was snubbed.
What happened: Benji didn’t return my email about finding a time to talk.
The leap: Benji hates me. I should have known. I’m a dumbass. Should have seen it sooner.
What if?: Benji’s on a plane? In the hospital? Was waiting until he was in front of his calendar to respond?
____
What happened: My client put our work on hold.
The leap: They hate me. I’m doing a terrible job. I probably should never have taken them on in the first place.
What if?: Their circumstances changed? They weren’t ready for the work?
____
What happened: I got lousy fruit when my groceries were delivered this week.
My leap: I’ll bet they’re told to pick up the bad stuff for the deliveries, so the better fruit is left in store. It’s a terrible way to manage stock – stick online orders with the bad stuff.
What if?: The person who picked my order was zoned out, or just didn’t care, and there was no conspiracy?
____
What happened: The kids down the street walked past my car as I was waiting in line to pick up my children. I waved; they gave me the cold shoulder.
My leap: They hate me too! It’s not just Benji or my client! On top of it, it’s so rude… they’re so rude…
What if?: They didn’t see me? They’re shy? Simply didn’t want to pressure me to offer them a ride if they caught my eye?
The worst part is, I think about Benji for days, kick myself over the lost client, grimace every time I walk past the crappy fruit in my fruit basket and stop waving at the neighborhood kids since they hate me so freakin’ much.
We all make things up and tell ourselves stories about what’s real and what’s not without a moment’s hesitation.
Stop Making Things Up
Ok. Here’s the test part. Good news, it’s multiple choice.
When you start going to that dark place, sure that the world scheming against you, what else can you do?
a) Drink heavily
b) Get back in bed and cry
c) Break the Frame
Feel like a trick question? In truth, it’s the only choice worth making.
When I was in high school, my boyfriend introduced me to one of my all-time favorite words: solipsism. One definition for solipsism is that the only thing you know that exists for sure is your own mind.
Freud wrote: “Without any special reflection we attribute to everyone else our own constitution and therefore our consciousness as well, and that this identification is a sine qua non of understanding.”
It’s a very self-centered way to live. As if the way you see the world is the only way the world, and the people in it, operate. It’s also very human.
The only way to change the story is to break the frame.
[Tweet “When someone is less than perfect, don’t take it personally. They’re not out to get you. They’re human – like you.”]
How to Break the Frame of the Stories You Tell Yourself
Try the BAGEL method the next time you’re making things up and making yourself miserable in the process.
Break down your story.
Where are you filling in the gaps? Making things up that make you feel awful? Attributing the worst possible motivations to others?
Ask yourself “what if?”
Maybe you’re right, maybe your not. Play “What if?” and brainstorm for heartbeat some of the other possible explanations.
Give permission for people to be imperfect.
Have you ever been less than perfect? Zoned out? Forgot to return a message? Didn’t wave? Thought so. It’s ok.
[Tweet “Give people the space to be imperfect just like you need them to do for you. #leadership #life “]
Empathize.
It’s easy to get caught up in your negative views and emotions around a should-be innocuous event. Empathy lets you relate to someone else’s experience instead of living a solipsistic life.
Let go and move on.
The world does not revolve around you, and nobody is out to get you. Even if they are, you have better things to do in life than let them get to you.
It would be remiss of me to ignore the one other thing you can do, not always, but in many circumstances – ask. Ten seconds of bravery can transform a relationship and change a life.
Are you guilty of making things up? What’s your advice to get out of the loop?
Such an insightful post Alli. Who in this life doesn’t have those moments where they jump to conclusions and as you say, make things up in their mind.
I love your tips especially “break down the story and ask ‘what if'”. Spot on.
Great post that I will share with others.
Kate
Love your post Alli and this happens to all of us!
Of course I have made things up but what I try to do is see beyond the actual action. You are so right when you say that people are imperfect. They do stupid stuff sometimes without thinking it through. I also connect with your advice on empathy. When I feel wronged I try to ask myself why they acted in a certain way and maybe they are dealing with their own set of challenges. Then I attempt to be more understanding.
Thanks Alli and will definitely share today!
Love this Alli!
What is so cool about learning not to feed those thoughts is that they occur less and less often and eventually lose their control on our lives. And there is so much more joy and freedom when that happens.
I’m going to try to build the BAGEL approach into a habit – really a good one Alli. To me, not asking ‘what if’ is probably that devil, our ego, trying to screw us up!!!
My ex sent this to my kids. He is a manipulative monster, a liar and a cheat. He left us, abandoning me and his 3 children and leaving me penniless. In his usual twisted style he thought he would send then a message with the “Stop making things up and making yourself miserable”message.
Like some kind of double punch… “Stop making things up” (gaslighting-he knows the abusive and disgusting things he did, and he knows his adult children know too. Rather than admit to what everyone knows, things that happened to them, he says they didn’t happen and they made them up) and “”making yourself miserable” again, as if that is what is happening. His choices and behavior have made them angry, disgusted, and have caused them pain. And that freak considers it a challenge to try to twist things where it is THEM making THEMSELVES MISERABLE, not acknowledging that HE is the Dark Triad nightmare that purposely damaged them and took pleasure in it.
Maybe thinking they would read about
I know this is not your purpose. But just know that people dealing with those who are evil, cruel and abusive, they may need to learn to trust that fear and stay away from those who feed the anxiety and fear for their own safety.
It’s been a very long time since I felt like I had make to things up, get out of the dark or felt like the world was against me or I was out of control. I seldom had to do those things myself because others were doing it for me. Oh, wait a minute. I just had two of those this past week so, what I did was to turn up the light, regain control, make some decisions and move on. It only took most of the week. But it was worth it. Recalibrated and “Back on the Highway Again…”
Sometimes blaming ourselves is the easiest way to dealing with a situation that is difficult or unexplainable. Either that, or point the fingers at someone else. The key is to claim responsibility for our shortcomings without beating ourselves up. No one is perfect but we are conditioned since childhood to strive for perfect results. It’s an unhealthy expectation, of ourselves and others. This post is a great reminder of ways we can move beyond those expectations…
Soooo guilty as charged! Where I get most into trouble is the thinking “for me to act this way, I would have to be thinking…” Which of course is usually nowhere near the way the other person is actually thinking.
I feel that while this is a very interesting read, it could be dangerous to use this as an evaluation system for those who have been repeatedly gaslit.
There are individuals who exist who purposefully play mind games, power games and instigate negative interpersonal experiences, and are unaware of their implicit motives.
These individuals then gaslight and say the subject is paranoid, making things up and suggest that the person who is in distress has made something up in their head.
I suspect that gaslighting is present someone is told they are “crazy,” for thinking a certain way when they have suspicious or concluded something based on a series of events and confront a situation.
A helpful response would be from the individual (s) being confronted, if truly unaware the impact their behaviour has caused, to acknowledge that the other person is upset and assure them that they did not intend a stress response, and check their own implicit motives.
I feel, at times humans behave in ways that are unconsciously purposeful and feel uncomfortable admitting to others and themselves that their true motives have caused harm.
Thanks for this important addition, Jessica. There is not a lot I can add.- you put it well.
Many thanks,
Alli