Raise your hand if you like to have all the answers and have things all planned out. I hear it all the time from friends and clients and it sounds like some variation of this: I’ll work for five years, get my MBA, get married, have kids by the time I’m 30, be a senior executive by the time I’m 35… blah, blah, blah! The constant progression, zooming through today, always looking ahead, never looking back, and only minimally mindful of the present moment, is exhausting and no way to live long-term!
When I was pregnant with my first child, I was a manager for a large Management Consulting firm; over half of our family income came from my job, yet I wanted to stay home with our new baby. My husband and I went to see a financial advisor in the months before her birth and here’s what he asked me: “How long do you think you’ll stop working? One year, three years? I need to know so I can do the projections.” My response probably was not as nice as it could have been but it was the truth: “How will I know what I’ll want to do before the baby pops out?” Don’t ask me what I’m going to do! I don’t know the answer but I do know that I’m here now.
Now that I’m an expat almost everyone I meet asks how long we’ll be living overseas. My first response is always easy because I know the length of the current contract, three years. The reality is I have no idea if we’ll extend or leave at the end of three years. I do know that when I focus on how our time here is temporary, it translates into bare walls and a house that doesn’t feel like home. Don’t ask me what I’m going to do! I live here now and may leave soon or in ten years, I don’t know. (Sorry, Mom).
I’m also reminded of a good friend that was on the job market and after a few months he finally got an offer. When he told me the good news it was as if he said “The stinky cheese factory made me an offer and I’m going to take it.” He was clear that he didn’t think it would be great and was just going to stay for two years or so and then move somewhere he really wanted to be. Don’t ask him what he’s going to do to survive two years in hell… he doesn’t know either.
In all the scenarios above, they are self-created temporary circumstances. I guess it’s easier to walk away when you are not fully committed, living and working with one foot in today’s reality, and one foot firmly planted in tomorrow’s. Sadly, the whole experience also misses a richness that you only get by going “two feet in.” Today is the day to stop planning your life, and only focusing on what’s yet to come, and start living your life instead.
Want to have more joy and fulfillment now instead waiting for what’s next?
Here are seven things you can do immediately:
- Stop straddling today’s reality and your self-imposed end dates. YOU ARE HERE so be present and engaged NOW. (Click to Tweet)
- GRAB this moment instead of just passing through. OWN it. (Click to Tweet)
- Give yourself permission to not have an end date.
- By saying YES to where you are right now, what are you saying NO to? Write it down. Get explicit.
- Today, put a timer on for five minutes, and write a stream of consciousness list of the things that are GREAT about where you are right now (stay at home Mom, expat, the job you’re just “passing through”)
- Fantasize, learn and act. Ask yourself: If this were my life (or job) forever, what would make it so awesome that I’d never want to leave?
- Stop using qualifiers in your language. Just stop it. (Thank you to Amber-Lee and Pioneer Outfitters) The next time someone asks you how long you’ll be doing x, y, or z and feel the need to explain and qualify your response, just stop it! This moment is only here now, not tomorrow, next month or next year. Be ~ Here ~ Now. (Click to Tweet)
Don’t ask me what I’m going to do three years from now. I don’t know and that’s OK with me. I’m enjoying the journey and choose to be here now. What about you?
Share what you’re saying YES to in your life and work. Would love to know!
Great discussion Alli on being in the present and not living for the future! I know at different times in my life I had a hard time not dreaming of the future- during my dreaded MBA program and when my kids were not sleeping through the night. I actually missed out on a lot and sometimes wish for those days. But you know what? Life is so full when we can connect fully wherever we are. That’s why I keep learning and meeting new people, like you! Thanks so much!
Thanks, Terri! Your examples definitely resonate with me. I see people with their little kids and think how i can remember those days even if I was looking forward to the next phase. It’s actually my kids that have helped me to see that the best moments are always right where we are. Every age I think, this age is perfect! I love them just as they are today and as they enter the next phase, I have the same feeling. (I’m guessing I may not feel that way when they are teens, huh?)
This moment has tremendous gifts to savor, you’re right. It’s connections with people like you that make it awesome. Thank you!
Inspiring and exciting.
Many thanks, Karin!
No, they can’t keep you down under. We need you here. LOL
Thanks, Dan! 🙂 My sister called me after reading the post and said “If it doesn’t feel like home, come home!”
I think this is something many of us face. Thank you for sharing some ways we can live for today and not tomorrow.
Thanks, Dave! Appreciate your comment! For me it’s always a battle… or maybe it’s a balance between planning the future and wanting my vision to become a reality and appreciating and engaging today.
Great Post Alli!
I’m kind person that don’t do big plans. I take things as they come and from there I move forward. Even my PhD came unplanned, I was offered an RA & I accepted it. I usually say yes to new things & don’t panic. That’s what is exciting in life right? New food, new music, new faces, new ideas, new job positions, etc.
Finally, I’ll end this note with what my husband usually says about me: “Hoda won’t take out the house keys until she hits the front door”.
Hoda
Hoda – I LOVE that: “I usually say yes to new things and don’t panic.” The panic sets in when we start to wonder “How can I do it? Am I up to the challenge? Will it be too hard? What if I fail?” Life is an unfolding story and clearly you are enjoying it!
Many thanks for sharing your perspective here and what a great visual from your husband of what it looks like to move one step at a time!
A good reminder Alli. Need those 7 reminders in daily doses at different times of the day.
Eloquently expressed
Many thanks, Lalita! I wrote it as a reminder to myself as well. Many thanks for your feedback!
Beautiful post, Alli. It speaks to everyone’s experience. In a way we have become trained to be future focused. That’s good for motivation, but not for relaxation. While reading I was reminded of a reent an Actor’s Studio episode with James Gandolfini. He spoke to a room full of actors who only wanted to be sitting where he was. He told them without being phoney, that the best part of their career is right now — when it’s all before you. Once he got famous, he had movie-star problems and the work became secondary.
And your kids are so lucky that you are adventuring rather than having to work against the routinized doldrums of suburban bliss.
Thanks, Blair! While I was in it, I enjoyed the doldrums of suburban bliss and now I’m kinda enjoying the doldrums of small town living much more than I would have ever imagined! Change is a choice and I’m glad that I’ve been able to leap several times over the last (many) years. Adventure feels GOOD!
Love that from James Gandolfini! If I were an aspiring actor in the audience I may not really know that he’s telling me one of the most important lessons I need to learn. Sometimes life is more fun before the success because you can be IN it instead of controlling it. Love the Actors Studio.
Appreciate you!!
I LOVE plans!! But, I also like going with the flow ~~ Sorta. Maybe this is one reason I do not travel… everything has it’s place, in it’s place…
This is wonderful! LOL Just Stop it!
I’m working on flow 😉 I’d like to know how the story ends and that it’s just like I pictured it all along but instead I’m playing more in the now and working to drop some of the stress that I put on myself as I try to be a fortune teller and make the unknown a certainty. I LOVE the Just Stop It video and mantra! So silly & so true!!!
A wonderful look at life, Alli! There is a great line from Shawshank Redemption that goes something like – “Get busy living or get busy dying.” We need to get busy living and it isn’t always neatly planned out. Thanks for a great conversation here! Jon
That’s a great quote, Jon! If all we do is plan and wait for the good stuff to happen we’re shortchanging our lives. Planning is important but should not overshadow being present now. As always, I appreciate your contribution to the conversation! Thanks, Jon
Love your post! I used to be planning all the time until I lost my job last Summer and my life changed 360 degrees. Then realised how much I was missing for not being present at the moment and instead always thinking about the coming event. Now I am starting my own firm and certainly I plan but also go with the flow. One of my lessons was we cannot control everything but our attitude toward events.
Thanks so much, Rosa! Isn’t it funny how when we think we can see the path it suddenly shifts despite our best planning? For so long I worked a billion hours a week, was on the road non stop and missed school performances, birthday dinners and anniversaries. I may have been moving up the corporate ladder but I was missing my life in the process.
How exciting to be starting your own firm! Definitely a time to plan but how awesome that you’re consciously making room for flow as well. How right on you are… we can’t always control what happens but we absolutely still can choose our attitude.
Greatly appreciate your insights & sharing!
Thanks for your post and your reply to Dave Bratcher above, in particular, Alli. First time on your site for me. I totally get your message of living in the moment and accepting what is. I aspire to that as a norm (even tho where I am right now is ok too, you know :)).
I wondered where aspiring to a vision of you in the future fits into your world. Here you shed some light on that, said very well, and I can relate. Holding my intended future in the context of vision (imagining the experience, my mindset and my body consciousness), instead of plan, gives me possibility. “Plan,” on the other hand, gives me something akin to angst!
Welcome, Lowell! I’m so glad that you found your way here and I appreciate your comments. I love that you put forward that holding the vision, and not the plan expands possibility. It totally resonates with me. A plan can feel rigid yet a vision enables me to course correct and many paths can lead to where I’m headed. As my kids would say, we need to “hold both.” A vision for our future and an awareness of where we are today and all that is present in our lives and work. If all we do is look forward, we may never realize just how far we’ve already come!
Sincerely hope you’ll be back! Thanks, Lowell!
Alli, this is helpful to me. I am in that infamous “in-between” stage. I love my current gig but I am restless for something more. So far I have been trying to develop the behaviors that I suspect/hope I will need for the “more” in my life. The funny part is that my new behaviors are helping me in my “now” Go figure.
David, I can totally relate about restlessness for something more. I am really struck by your final thought: “my new behaviors are helping me in my “now.” It’s amazing how we always think of “the future” as completely separate from our “now” but we both know that they are connected by the journey and there is flow between the two. Thank you for sharing your experience and adding such an important perspective to the conversation, David!
Great reminder of not putting life–and happiness–off, Alli! It really is a balancing act to have an eye into the future but live in the present. We have this knee-jerk reaction that if we do X, then we’ll rip Y in the future. In the process, we forget to appreciate what’s right in front of our eyes and what we can create NOW. Thank you for the practical tips you shared above. And, kudos to you for embracing Australia, regardless of the bitter-sweet ramifications of what it means for your loved ones in the U.S.! 🙂
Thanks, Alice! When we focus on the future with hardly a sideways glance to today, we’re missing out on moments that matter. Given your experience, you know that the unexpected can hit at any time and radically change our path. I’m working to appreciate this moment while holding the vision of what I want to create in the future. Sincerely appreciate your comments and insights, Alice! Many thanks!
thanks for excellent, timely reminder for all of us to live in the present. So easy to lose sight of that as we reach to map out our future. As the old admonition goes, “We plan, God laughs.”
So true, James! Thanks so much for your reminder! It’s a saying that proves itself to be true time and time again!